Bill Gates Demoted From Super-Mega Rich To Slightly Less Super-Mega Rich
By Luis Prada
Do you know the name Carlos Slim? Well, you should. Especially if you’re Bill Gates. For so long, Bill Gates stood atop the mighty mountain of monetary gain as the richest man in the world. But now, Bill has to face some harsh realities, like the fact that this once super-wealthy man that could have purchased every NFL team in North America and forced all the players to play in nothing but cockrings, is now bearing witness to his financial empire crumbling before his very eyes.
Forbes Magazine has just released its list of the richest men in the world, and poor old Bill has been trumped by the aforementioned Carlos slim. Here’s the final tally:
#1. Carlos Slim – 53.5 billion
#2. Bill Gates – 53.0 billion
We took this information to our crack team of Funny Crave financial advertisers for some analyzation, analysis and, of course, analytical study. The following is but a small sample of their report.
After reviewing the numerical data you have presented us with, we have come to the conclusion that Bill Gates is going to be dealing out blowies under an overpass for the next few fiscal years just to build up his empire to where it was only a year ago.
If our calculations are correct, in order to make up that .5 that Mr. Slim has over Mr. Gates, Bill is going to have to dish out a minimum of 17.85 blowies a day. The problem is, there are too many factors that go in to setting a fair price for a blowie, most of which we just have no way of knowing. For instance, we have no idea if Bill cups the balls. Or if he treats each customer with the loving care and attention that one would treat their own children. Of course, we don’t mean to imply anything about sucking off some kids or something. I don’t know. That’s…that’s a weird corner we’ve backed ourselves in to. Let’s get out of that one.
By the way, why didn’t I just delete that last sentence instead of leaving it in there and embarrassing the entire Funny Crave financial department? Oh, I know! It’s probably because you vagina holes give us a budget of $12 a month, and I’m typing this on a typewriter that I made myself. It’s comprised of randomly lettered keyboard keys (that I found scattered about the office after you guys discovered that you had a closet of unused keyboards, so you cracked each other over the heads with them just to watch the keys explode); pencils that I’ve carved letters in to; and a greasy Burger King burger wrapper that I’ve broken a pen over. That’s my ink ribbon. Everyone in the financial department hates you guys.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Bill Gates blowing his way back to the richest man in the world. Right. Well, our advice to Bill would be to hunker down and buy some chapstick because he’s going to need one hell of a lot of money if he’s wants to feed his hungry yacht.
What the hell is wrong with you guys? Even as the 2nd richest man in the world, he still has enough money to buy the sun and tell it to move three feet to the left; thereby, killing us all.
What are you, retarded? He’s fine and his grandkids from 500 years in to the future will be fine. If anything, you sons of bitches should get to dealing out some blowies under an overpass. I’ve seen your bank accounts. What possible use can $7,000 worth of bike chains, Vaseline and Velveeta be to three adult males? You want some sound financial advice? Invest in cahpstick. Oh, and keep your prices low. Remember, anything more than $12 is a crime.
Assholes.
