Behold the McDonald’s Holiday Pie

Like us, you probably only eat at McDonald’s out of desperation, since they exist everywhere and sometimes, at 3am on a highway when you’re running from Federal agents, it’s your only option.  Also like us, you’ve probably never willingly consumed what passes for dessert at McDonald’s, at least not since you were about 10 and didn’t know you were ingesting souls robbed from the damned and sucrose.  However, like us, you probably never saw this.

As it turns out, McDonald’s has a holiday pie.  Not just that apple mess, or the elusive cherry pie.  Oh no, they have a special Birth of Jesus pie as well, but it’s non-denominational and presumably doesn’t melt Jews and Muslims if they eat it.  And look at it.  Look at that picture.

As it happens, FunnyCrave staffer Jim “The Wood Pulper” McTavish used to work at a McDonald’s (and by used to we mean still does) and has access to crazy corporate secrets since he’s been there since 1988 and has management status, a fact he’s actually proud of.  He’s one of those dumb shits that wears a tie when they serve you a burger.  How humiliating.

Nonetheless, Wood Pulper assures us that the Holiday Pie is no ordinary pie (as if we couldn’t tell) and in fact the creation of such a pie is no simple task.  So what all’s involved?  Behold the secret recipe!!!

Pastry:

• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour plus additional for kneading
• 3/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup water
• 3tbs oil
• 10oz granulated sugar
• half dozen tears from orphans
• 6 oz package of despair
• Sprinkles

Filling:

• Shit
• Sucrose to taste

Deep fry until golden.  Serve with disinterest.