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A massive recall has been issued for some nasty meat that covers several states.  Which states?  Several states.  So be on the lookout if you live in one.  The real story here isn’t the where, however, it’s the why.  And the why is shenanigans.  Beefy shenanigans.

The mainstream media may be claiming that it has something to do with “e.coli” and how “e.coli” is “deadly” and that may be factual, but no one reads news for facts.  If people wants facts, they can build robots.  Think about it.

No, the real story here is in between the lines, where nothing is written so you need to make it up, and it needs to be pretty small too so it doesn’t get in the way of the writing on the actual lines.

A beef recall that covers most of the east coast is a pretty big deal.  The people on the east coast can eat probably like 10 cows easy.  And a side of beef is a couple hundred bucks, probably.  So this is like two thousand bucks on the line, maybe more.  Maybe a few hundred more.

We at FunnyCrave get by on canned meat and boxed wine, so we know how to stretch a dollar to maximize both fat and alcohol content in a meat.  A conspiracy to the tune of $2000 smells mighty fishy to us, maybe someone out there is looking to line their pockets with sweet, sweet tainted beef money.  But how exactly do you really taint beef?  This airy fairy e.coli business will fool people for a while, but the real reasons are likely much more nefarious.

Our research indicates part of the recall takes place in Pennsylvania.  Pennsylvania Dutch anyone?  It’s a well known fact the Amish are non-bathers, it’s against their religion.  So likely if they handled your meat, your meat would then be sticky.  If you let the Amish play with your meat, your meat will get dirty and sticky.  But you can’t say that in the press, there’d be lynch mobs.  The Amish can’t even run away, they don’t wear shoes.  Mystery #1 = solved.

Another part of the recall takes place in New Jersey and New York, so the problem there is obvious.  The mob turned squealers into burger meat.  Likely Antonio Calaberse was getting too close to the Feds so they put him in a meat grinder.  Him and a couple hundred other guys.  And now your Angus burger is actually Antonio’s Anus burger.  Mystery #2 = solved.

Yet another recall is in North Carolina.  A fine state, if it were real.  Isn’t North Carolina part of the South?  But it’s in the North?  We can’t all be geography majors, but that’s as dumb as two cats making biscuits.  Like Northa Dakota and West Virgina, which is west of what exactly, these directional states have been a quietly accepted ruse for ages, meant to bulk up the number of states within the country to make other countries feel inferior.  You can fool Paraguay but you can’t fool us.  One of us lives in North Dakota for God’s sake, we know better.

Anyway, point is, check your beef if you live on the east coast.  That stuff’ll kill ya.