Bear Grylls Give Himself a Bird Shit Enema

Bear Grylls, the star of Discovery Channel’s Man V.S. Wild, has come under some fire over the past couple of years over whether or not he’s actually “surviving” in the wilderness like Survivor Man’s Les Stroud, or if he sleeps in a cushy hotel at night with the rest of his camera crew. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that in his new season, Bear shoves a tube up his own ass and fills his rectum with watered down bird shit. No matter how comfy the bed in his hotel room is, he’s still going to bed at night with a least a little bit of seagull shit mingling around and rubbing elbows with his own shit.

As he stands atop his ad hoc raft in the middle of the Pacific, Bear mentions that the water is rancid – presumably due to the poop inside of it. Figuring that there was perhaps a little too much bird shit polluted water in the canteen, Bear dumps out about a quarter cup. He’s a survivalist. He knows the human rectum can only hold, at most, a cup of watery bird shit.

Now, it could be the setting sun that helped achieved this look, but until we are proven wrong with some hard evidence we will forever be inclined to believe that bird shit closely resembles gasoline; as evidenced by the dark yellow fluid that Bear pours out. This is a little strange because when we park our cars under the mighty oak that resides in the Funny Crave parking lot, by the end of the day our cars look like they were caught in the middle of a vicious caulk fight between warring factions of handymen.

This video, as well as the tactic that Bear employs, raises one very important question: isn’t it sometimes better just to die? What if the bird shit enema tactic backfires? You’ll just be a dead body floating around the ocean with a tube in your ass and the shit of a completely different species swimming around in your guts.

Whatever, doesn’t matter. Bear Grylls shoved a tube in his ass for us, the viewers. And, to top it off, he gave us on hell of an epic line…

“I guess all you do is lie back…AND THINK OF ENGLAND!!”

That line isn’t something Bear came up with himself. It’s actually a phrase that dates back to the Victorian era that, according to Wilkipedia, pertains to women coping “with the sexual demands of their husbands.”

No. Seriously. We’re not kidding.