Barry Melrose: The Man, The Myth, The Legend

If you are one to scour Google Trends to find out what’s on the minds of internet users, then today you probably saw the name “Barry Melrose” at the number one position. While this name may mean nothing to most Americans, it means quite a bit to Canadians.

Barry Melrose is ESPN’s resident hockey analyst, and he’s the one time coach of the Los Angeles Kings.

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Yeah, it probably still doesn’t mean much to Americans. But the reason Barry’s name is rocking the Trends is because of a little bit of wisdom he shared with Americans yesterday during a live broadcast, on the subject of Canadian beauty aids

Watch the video below to see Barry’s secret to looking so young.

Chicken shit, indeed, Barry. Chicken shit, indeed.

But as a hockey fan, I feel people are watching this video without proper context. Yeah, people may watch it and laugh at the shock of a nice Canadian spewing totally awesome foul language in a really weird context live on national television. But they aren’t getting a sense of who Barry Melrose is as a man – as a human man. I’m looking to change that right now.

The following are just some random, and totally true, facts about Barry Melrose that I found after a Google search and a quick reading of Melrose’s Wiki page.

1. He once talked a bear in to eating itself, from the feet up.
2. He invented the sport of hockey. The world renews its lease with Barry once every century.
3. Barry can eat fear and crap Sidney Crosby.
4. He also invented the sport of Curling, just so people would have an on-ice sport to laugh at that would make hockey that much more awesome of a sport by comparison. (He also co-created figure skating for this very same reason).
5. During his entire NHL career, Barry only scored 10 goals, yet he racked up 728 penalty minutes. He spent most of those penalty minutes strategically planning out and choreographing his next goal. The other players on the ice at the time of one of his 10 goals didn’t even know that every one of their moves was already pre-planned by Barry. He’s more of a quality over quantity kind of guy – and he’s a master manipulator.
6. Barry can melt the ice on a hockey rink with brain fire. Some call this “Pyrokinesis,” Barry simply calls it “The Melrose.”
7. Barry Melrose was the “place” in the 90s nighttime TV soap opera Melrose Place.