Bacon-Flavored Envelopes: Hell Yes!

You may not instantly know the name J&D’s Foods, but you may already be aware of some of the deliciously ludicrous products that they’ve put out on the food market. J&D’s exists for one reason and one reason only: to make everything edible taste like bacon.

It’s hard to disagree with their logic, but it’s also pretty easy to be repulsed by such products as The Daily Show’s favorite item to mock, Baconnaise, which is bacon-flavored mayonnaise.

What you may not be aware of is the fact that J&D’s is so much more than Baconnaise. They also make bacon-flavored salt (brilliantly called “Bacon Salt”), bacon-flavored popcorn (Bacon Pop), and a bacon-flavored ranch dressing mix.

Now they have added a new product to their bacon-infused line up, and it’s insane, to put it mildly. (Just in case you were wondering, if I were to put it bluntly, the idea would be “Fucknuts, batshit, Insane-O Crazy”).

In a possible attempt to get more people back on the hand written letter bandwagon, J&D’s has released bacon-flavored envelopes called “MMMvelopes.”

Luckily, the guys over at J&D’s have a sense of humor about the whole thing, and they express it in the product description for MMMvelopes. Here’s the entire thing:

Technology has given us a lot lately. The car. TV. X-rays. The refrigerator. The Internet. Heck, we even cured polio. But what have our envelopes tasted like for the last 4,000 years? Armpit, that’s what.

Really, people? If we can’t overcome this kind of minor technical challenge, it’s only a matter of time until some super-advanced race of aliens with lasers, spaceships and a delicious federal mail system comes down and colonizes the world. And nobody wants that (except for the aliens, of course).

So, after thousands of years and kajillions of horrible tasting envelopes licked, we’re happy to report that J&D’s Bacon-Flavored Mmmvelopes™ are here to save the day. No longer will envelopes taste like the underside of your car. You can enjoy the taste of delicious bacon instead.

That’s right, bacon. It’s not real bacon, mind you, so you won’t have to start storing your envelopes in the refrigerator. But it really does taste like bacon. Which is what you really wanted in the first place, isn’t it? And it only took us 4,000 years to get there. Eat that, alien invaders.

Honestly, that’s better than anything we could have written.