Babies In Bars: Bad Idea, or The Worst Idea?

So you’re out having a few or 10 drinks with your buddies after work at the local bar, when all of a sudden there’s this baby that wants to start some shit with you. You’re all like, “What the fuck are you looking at, baby?” And the baby’s all like, “…” because it’s a baby and it hasn’t learned to speak yet. So you step up to this obnoxious baby and tell him what’s-what. You call him out on his shit, namely, the shit in his diapers. Harsh words get exchanged, fists fly, and a baby gets punched in the face a few times.

This scene is nothing like what’s going on in New York right now where parents are bringing their babies in to bars with them, but damn, we’d love it to be.

The real problem sees young parents that are desperately trying to drink themselves in to thinking they’re still in their 20s, dragging their toddlers in to bars filled with people that are probably trying to escape their own little version of child-rearing hell back at home. This has raised some serious issues with those that think a bar is a place to get drunk and use the word “Fuck” as if it were a comma and a period.

Just think back to every time you’ve ever been in a bar. Think to all the times you ever looked at someone of the opposite sex and have spoken aloud a thought so profane and gross that your buddies only high-fived you for because they were absolutely trashed and not in their right minds. Now, imagine that same scenario with a hipster couple and their shitty baby standing about 5 or 10 feet away.  You just want to talk about how much you’d like to smell that girl’s butt hole, but the hipster couple that wants to enjoy their White Zinfandel with a Yeager shot chaser tells you to watch your language around the baby. They don’t want their baby to be influenced by your ass-sniffing ways. That baby just killed your buzz. If you talked about sniffing another person’s butt because it gives you sexual pleasure while in, say, a Babies”R”Us, then you’d be in the wrong. You have some self control issues in that scenario. It’s even worse if you’re drunk in the Babies”R”Us. But a bar is a safe haven. It’s the one place where you don’t really have to watch yourself too much. It’s where you can relax and unwind, and not have to worry about offending a baby.

Think about it this way: what if there had been a baby in Cheers? What if next to Norm there were three more characters, a young couple and their baby? Christ, that show would have sucked. Every time the topic of sex would have been brought up the young couple would lose their shit and tell Ted Danson to watch his language. To that, an HBO version of Ted Danson’s character would have told that couple to take their piece of shit baby with them as they kindly get the fuck out.

If these couples want to have a baby and have a drink and relax, there’s no need to go to a bar and ruin everyone’s mood. Just do what parents all over the world have been doing for centuries: stay at home and get wasted directly in front of the kid. At home, they’ve got their toys, they’ve got their Elmo DVD, and they’ve got less people to stare at and make feel uncomfortable with their crazy googly eyes.

So to all parents that want to get drunk, just buy a bottle of vodka, pull up your baby’s favorite high chair and be a bad influence on them from the comfort of your own home.