Aussie Waitress Does Not Give Head in Cars

According to the best news story to ever come out of Australia in the history of ever, Allyson White was not sucking dick when she got in a car accident.  So fuck you very much for assuming she did.  Because she didn’t.  She can’t stress it enough.  There was no dick in her mouth.

The actual article is about as funny as anything you’re likely to read on the news, but this is a comedy site so we have to try to shake the jokes up a bit.  Still, it’s hard when the article contains quotes like this – “Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it’s impossible that I’d be leaning over sucking his d*** unless he is hung like a donkey or I’ve got a f****** rubber neck.”  We’re pretty sure she totally used the F word there.

According to our foul mouthed friend (what kind of fucking lady swears like that?  Fuck), she was just minding her business, totally cock-free, when the driver drove right into some shit or other because he was speeding.  And apparently a little drunk.  And his dick was not in any part of Allyson White.  Not any part of her and especially not in her mouth.

Oddly enough, neither passenger said there was dick involved, the cops apparently just decided, because Aussie cops are badass like that and when they see a car accident, the first thing they need to do is establish if there are enough people of the correct gender in the car for one person’s dick to be in another person’s mouth.  So if someone has a dick and someone else has a mouth, then according to Australian law, someone probably was getting their dick sucked.  It’s actually in the Australian constitution, wedged between a bit about Koala rights and unwavering awesomeness of Crocodile Dundee’s Paul Hogan, the First Crown Prince of Australia.