Aussie’s Name New Vegemite Because They Care About That Crap
By Ian Fortey
Australia is an odd place, and not just because it’s riddled with felons and rabbits. It’s just a different world. For instance, in civilized society we rarely take the shit leftover at the end of an industrial process and wipe it all over bread then eat it. In Australia, they’re totally on that shit. It’s like catnip for an Aussie.
Of course we’re talking about vegemite, the salty, brown sludge left over from brewer’s yeast after you’re down brewing whatever needing brewing. In most circles this would have been garbage but some industrious person realized it wasn’t toxic per se, and thus jarred it and sold it to others as food. Apparently it’s all chock full of vitamins and shit too. Doesn’t change the fact it’s probably very much like licking the asshole of that alien from the original Star Trek series that needed salt to survive, but that’s neither here nor there.
Anyway, Kraft, the makers of vegemite, decided to update their brand with a cream cheese version, because what’s more disgusting than the brown sludge leftover after some industrial food production? That same shit mixed with a cheese product. The new food-like substance was to be named iSnack2.0 because the people at Kraft are retarded and the worst name for a food product that anyone has ever even considered, and that includes “shit sandwich” seemed like a good idea to them. iSnack2.0 is the product name equivalent of involuntary sodomization.
Australians agreed that the name sucked ballsack so, after only four days of having the worst name for a food product ever, Kraft tossed out iSnack and held a competition to find a new name. And find it they did. Kids, get ready for Vegemite Cheesybite. That’s right, they somehow picked the second worst name. Fantastic.
The fact all of this happened isn’t the most noteworthy part of the story, oh no. The fact it;’s a story is. Including the title, I’ve just written 336 words on the subject, and this is just rehashing what was in legitimate news outlets with the inclusion of a joke about shit sandwiches and eating the ass of a Star Trek alien (that was a funny one).
