AskMen.com’s 49 Most Influential Men: Why We Should Be On the List

Because Funnycrave is a super important website of the utmost super importance, we are constantly bombarded with press releases and breaking news stories.  Normally, we ignore them.  But today, we received this…

4th Annual Reader Survey Ranks Mad Men’s Fictional Character As The Most Iconic Male Personality Of The Year Above Usain Bolt, President Obama & Mark Zuckerberg

Los Angeles, California (October 6, 2009) – AskMen.com the world’s largest lifestyle portal for men with more than 11 million visitors monthly, revealed its highly anticipated 4th annual reader-voted list of the Top 49 Most Influential Men of 2009 today.

The list assembles a diverse collection of men from around the world and from a variety of industries including entertainment, politics, technology, and sports. All the honorees had a direct effect on the way men see the world, and notably in 2009, many reflect classic values that are most meaningful to the male identity today.

After reading this, our curiousity was immediately piqued with thoughts of where we, the staff at Funnycrave, placed on the list.  Top ten at least, right?  Wrong.  We didn’t make it.  Not at all.  Blasphemy?  Sure it is.  But nothing a few angry letters shouldn’t be able to fix…

Ian Fortey

Gentlemen who pretend to be ladies and gentlemen of the internet, good day,

My name is Ian Fortey and I write to you this day with a heavy heart.  Heavy with sadness, and the weight of my manly parts, which weigh heavy on my entire body, because I’m so huge.  And yet, despite this hugeness, I have not made the AskMen.com’s list of the Top 49 Most Influential Men.  I ask you, is this fair?

When you look back over the months and years I have dedicated my life to the improvement of mankind, the betterment of society, the sexing of sweet, sweet ladies, could it be that I had seriously been “overlooked” as the editors at AskMen claim?  I propose overlooking is hogwash!  No, friends, I think a far more insidious beast was stomping through our garden this day.  The beast known as Bullshit Jealousy and Envy, which is technically two beasts but we may safely assume they were merged in an horrific lab accident into one beast with many eyes and feet that is hungry for man-flesh and poontang!

Who invented spice rubs for steaks?  Me.  Who invented the flush toilet, saving our generation from a lifetime of shitting behind the sofa like our parents did?  Me.  Who suggested the internet could be used as a repository for pictures of ladies putting vegetables in their bums when the government and Big Oil wanted to use it as a massive minesweeper networking tool?  Me!

Gentlemen who pretend to be ladies and gentlemen of the internet, my name is Ian Fortey.  And I am a humble man.  And I am awesome.  And that I have been left off this list of the Top 49 Most Influential Men when the published list is a veritable cornucopia of nameless haberdashers and boulangerie owners who never once suggested a woman put anything in her bum is a travesty.  If you never get laid again, thank AskMen.com.  Somehow, it’s their fault.

Good day,

Ian Fortey

Adam Tod Brown

Dear AskMen.com,

Seriously?  A list of the 49 most influential men with no me on it?  Not anywhere?  Not even at, like, #48 or something?  I’m certain that this is some sort of oversight or clerical error or something.  I’m even certainer that after reading this, you will correct the error by bumping someone else off the list.  Chris Martin perhaps?  I mean, sure, he’s influential, but kind of in the way that alcohol influences people to make poor decisions.  Chris Martin just influences people to listen to shitty music.  Drop him.  Add me.  Here’s why.

In the last year alone, I have played a significant role in both boosting the economy in several alcohol producing areas while also significantly decreasing STD rates in my own state. 

You see, I’ve spent the last year binge drinking in memory of my beloved cat, Dio.  She didn’t die, she just likes to party.  Anyway, the amount of alcohol I’ve consumed has surely saved at least one job at whatever back alley brewery produces Steel Reserve High Gravity lager.  Economy boosted, read it and weep.  All of this drinking has also given me quite an unsightly bulge around the gut area.  Chicks don’t like fat dudes.  Well, maybe fat chicks do, but I don’t like fat chicks.  So that means no sex for me, which in turn, means my ability to spread STD’s far and wide is now effectively crippled.  For reals, my numbers are way down.  And now that I think about it, that means far fewer “you might want to get tested” calls to make and, as we all know, for every telephone call a person makes, a tree must be destroyed.  It’s science.  So I guess I’ve had a positive impact on the environment also.

Has fucking Ashton Kutcher done any of this?  I think not.  Please fix this oversight and add me to the list post haste.

XOXOXO,

Adam Tod Brown

Luis Prada   

Hey, AskMen.com. What’s up? You know, I couldn’t help but notice that you released your most influential men of 2009 thing. I also couldn’t help but notice that my name wasn’t on it.

How can you not put me on the list?! It doesn’t make sense! I’ve done so much this year! For example, in February I helped some local poor kids get some good, warm food in their bellies and some fresh water in their throats. Yeah, they all ended up getting Mono. Whatever. Everyone was soooo quick to point the judgmental finger at me for “performing deplorable acts on children.” Just because it’s the “kissing disease” doesn’t mean I kissed them! I never kissed them because what we did wasn’t kissing per se. I was just trying to show them the up side of life. With my mouth. I reiterate: whatever.

I also came up with a lot of great ideas that can benefit humanity as a whole instead of just my bank account. I’ve got this one idea – you’re going to love it – I’ve got his one idea on how to stop people from getting cancer. You ready? This will blow your mind…

Just stop growing it. Seriously. It’s that easy. No one would get cancer if everybody’s bodies just stopped growing the shit. It’s simple, easy, and it requires little to no understanding of biology (which I posses none of). No one else has thought of that because everyone else is all, like, retarded and shit. I’m not. I’m so not a retard (another reason to include me on your list).
 
Yeah, there’s the matter of my police warrants, my drug charges, that time I got booted out of a Denver Chili’s for “Rocketeering” (which is weird because I don’t even own a jet pack, and even if I did I was so busy demanding that the manager pay me for the service of “protection” that I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate if I were doing it in a jet pack). And then, of course, there’s that whole bit where the only people I’ve influenced were copycat murderers (Honestly, people! Come up with your own murder/rape ritual! Fucking biters!), but if you erase all of that and just look at all the good I’ve done for the world then you’ll see that I’ve done…absolutely nothing.
 
Hm, I didn’t mean to type that last bit, but it makes sense, I guess. Uh? Wow, never looked at it that way.

Good job not including me on your list!!

To see the entire list of the Top 49 Most Influential Men of 2009, click here.