Ask a Hispanic: An Experiment in Cultural Understanding

With the election of Barack Obama as president of the United States, many in the media figured we as a nation had finally moved beyond race – that we were now living in a “post-racial” America. Yeah, no. It seems that with a man of color in office race has become an even bigger issue than it was just a few years ago. With this in mind, I set out on a little bit of a mission. I was going to help people better understand the life of a person of color.

Now, I’m not dark enough to be considered “black” per se, but I am dark enough to be considered Hispanic, probably because I am Hispanic. Hispanics have gotten a bad rap in this country. People in America tend to think we’re lazy because they see Hispanic lawn workers sleeping under trees at 4 in the afternoon. This is simply not true. Hispanic lawn workers sleep under trees at 4 in the afternoon as to rest their bodies and their minds so they can be ready to take on a six-thru-midnight shift at the local 5-star restaurant. The mid-afternoon nap keeps us from getting cranky and spitting in your clam chowder, or using our testicles to make a lovely indentation in your mashed potatoes, which we then fill in with gravy (which, again, without a nap, could contain a bodily fluid or two).

One myth thoroughly de-bunked already! Hispanics aren’t lazy!

Seeing as I’m too lazy to actually go out and find people to ask some Hispanic related questions, I simply turned my desk chair around and asked my friend and fellow Funny Crave writer Ian Fortey if he had any questions for me, a Hispanic. I asked Ian as opposed to our other co-worker Adam Brown because Ian is a lily white Canadian who, on a bright day, is somewhat translucent, like wet tracing paper. Also, whenever I speak Spanish to my mother on the office phone, Ian’s eyes become squinty and his upper lip snarls just the slightest little bit. I figure that if I’m going to receive questions from anybody, it should be from someone that thinks I’m leaking government secrets via encoded messages every time I speak to my mom.

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Luis: Thanks for helping me out with this article, Ian. I know you’ve got your own work to do.

Ian: Yeah…right.

Luis: Okay, so, let’s begin. I’m ready for any questions about the Hispanic people you have.

Ian: I don’t have any Hispanic people. Why would I want Hispanic people? They’re filthy.

Luis: Huh? Oh, shit. Sorry. I dangled my participle there.

Ian: Yeah, I bet you would say that.

Luis: I just…yeah. Anyway, fire away with the questions.

Ian: So, I just ask any question I want, and you’ll answer it?

Luis: Yeah, as long as it’s a question about Hispanics, I’ll do my best to answer it.

Ian: Alright mister hot shot—

Luis: Excuse m—

Ian: Does the Mexican President tend to his own garden?

Luis: Wh—what?

Ian: Just answer the question; does the Mexican President tend to his own garden?

Luis: Uh, that’s…kinda not what I had in mind.

Ian: Answer or I leave.

Luis: Uh, okay. Uh, I don’t really know, I guess. I mean, maybe? Although, I don’t think he would. But, then again, he is Hispanic, so I can see where you’re coming from with that question.

To be completely honest, I just don’t know. I figure it’s one of two answers: One, he imports gringos from America to do his lawn work for him – maybe in the form of runaways and those taken captive by drug cartels — or two, the Mexican president’s lawns are never tended to due to the paradox inherent within the situation. Like, time freezes, or someone gets erased from the continuum like Marty Mcfly or something.

Actually, you know what? Yeah, okay. I remember my grandfather watching Univision once and I think I overheard them talking about how if a Mexican tends to the president’s lawn, that lawn tending Mexican then becomes the new president. I think. My Spanish isn’t that great, really.

Ian: That sounds about right.

Luis: Good, good. I like this. This is good. We’re exploring cultures, de-bunking myths –

Ian: Looking for weaknesses…

Luis: What?

Ian: Nothing, next question. Where can I meet hot Mexican chicks?

Luis: Well, I’ll try my best to answer the question, but I just want to get one tiny little thing clear first. Both of your questions so far have been Mexican related. I’m Cuban, actually. So, yeah, you know, just—yeah.

Anyway, hot Mexican chicks, huh? That’s a…good question. Uh, I would have to say — and I’m kind of just taking a wild guess here — I would have to say Mexico. Mexico seems like it would have the highest population of Mexican women per capita; that is, of course, if “per capita” means what I think it means.

Ian: What do you think it means?

Luis: I’m not sure.

Ian: Yeah, that’s a great answer, man. It’s so good that I actually have a follow up. Are Mexicans retarded?

Luis: Uh, again, you know, I’m, uh, not Mexican, and I’m pretty sure I’m offended by what you seem to be implying.

Ian: And just what was I “implying.”

Luis: That I and Hispanics as a whole are unintelligent?

Ian: Nope. Not at all. I wasn’t implying at all.

Luis: Rrriiight. Okay, so, next question.

Ian: No, finish answering my first one.

Luis: The hot Mexican chicks one?

Ian: Yeah!

Luis: Oh, uh, okay, well, I guess any club where the music sounds like seagulls cawing at 144 beats per minute would be good.

Ian: Good.  But I’d have to make it apparent that I can rock some Latina ass. If necessary, I can wear a hair net when I troll for Mexi-puss.  That should get me a phone call from Salma Hayek, right?

Luis: I’m not quite sure what you mean by any of that, but let’s move on. Next question.

Ian: Were the words “Hispanic,” “Latino” and “Chicano” just made up by Carlos Mencia?

Luis: Carlos Mencia probably isn’t the best gateway to Hispanic culture.

Ian: I like him.

Luis: Yeah, that’s kinda the point I was making.

Ian: What? You don’t like Carlos Mencia? But he’s one of you people!

Luis: Well…how should I explain this? You know how black face is really offensive to black people?

Ian: No.

Luis: Alright, well just go along with it. You know how black face is really offensive to black people? Well, Carlos Mencia is kind of like the living version of black face. The only difference is that you can’t wash off Carlos Mencia. Get it?

Ian: Your crazy Mexican metaphors are blowing my mind, man. Or, do you prefer “Hombre.”

Luis: “Man” is fine. As for the true origins of the words “Hispanic,” “Latino” and “Chicano,” well, let me start off with “Hispanic.” If you break it down, Hispanic becomes “His” and “Panic.” These two words were joined together by the Spanish Conquistador Herena Cortez. When Cortez destroyed the Aztec Empire, he derived great pleasure from watching the Aztec people, particularly the males, flee in a mad panic.

As for “Latino” and “Chicano,” they’re both actually the same word. Just one’s spelled backwards.

Ian: I’m Canadian and even I know none of that’s even remotely correct.

Luis: …

Ian: You’re not a very good Hispanic, are you?

Luis: I can point you in the direction of the nearest Taco Bell?

Ian: What a waste of fuckin’ time.