Argentinian President Offers Change We Can Believe In

There’s no doubt that President Obama’s televised State of the Union address on Wednesday did as much to divide the country as it did to unify it.  That’s to be expected, this is the United States, bitches be trippin’.  But all of this partisan bickering could be done away with if our government understood one simple truth – the only thing better than bacon or sex is bacon AND sex.  Argentinian President Cristina Fernandez understands this.

In a televised speech on Wednesday, the remarkably hot for her age leader informed a crowd of pig farming industry workers that after a weekend of pounding barbecued pork, “things went very well” with her husband, if you know what she means (she means they did a lot of fuckin’).  She went on to explain that “it’s a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than to take Viagra.”  We’re on board with that.  It saves room for vicodin!

As excited as we are to embark on this pork fueled porking adventure, there are some questions to be raised here.  Specifically, how fucking awesome is life in Argentina?  Given an opportunity to overtake the airwaves for a bit, instead of discussing the economy or some troublesome foreign policy matter, the President decides to tackle the tough issue of improving boners by eating swine.  That’s adorable!

Even more charming is the reason for the speech.  Argentina is one of the world’s top beef consuming nations, but the government has decided to start promoting pork due to rising steak prices.  Steak!  The last time a steak made its way to the Funnycrave offices it was wrapped in a Taco Bell tortilla and was the catalyst for a violent fistfight.  We’re sharing a goddamned pair of pants between the three of us right now!  We’re fucking broke!  But not Argentina.  They’re downing entire sides of beef for lunch.

But times are getting tight.  The world economy has gotten so out of hand that many Argentinians may no longer be able to afford steak.  But fret not, the government is on the case.  If the hammer drops and steak is no longer a viable option, they will sell their people on pork.  And they’ll sell them on the idea in the very best way possible – the promise of a cavalcade of sex.