With Steve Jobs Gone, Apple May Abandon Plans To Continue Screwing Chinese Workers

This news is devastating to the makers of the iPhone and Lion operating system as it conflicts with their long term plan of global domination via innovation and retardedly constricting rules. Jobs will be replaced by Tim Cook, who, sources say, still has a soul, and has not yet finished his Sith training.

Jobs is shown here educating his apprentice, Cook, in choking a senator from across the room.

The news is disappointing for the ambitious Jobs, whose health problems have prevented him from being more involved in Apple’s inner workings, but his presence at the helm was plenty to make most consumers think of Apple as a soulless megacorporation that had the balls to tell people how to use items they paid hundreds or even thousands of dollars for, but last week’s news seems to have given the masses hope that Apple might loosen their stranglehold on their product’s usage.

Workers in China were quoted as saying “Yub nub, eee chop yub nub; Ah toe meet toe peechee keene, G’noop dock fling oh ah.” This was accompanied by the rhythmic drumming of several Apple salesman heads and iPads as they danced around a fire. They understandably did not care much for Jobs, since he snubbed their cries of “Don’t let us die, please help us!” when chemicals used to make iPhone touchscreens made hundreds ill. “Making people deathly ill and ignoring them for years was a great step forward for the iPrick initiative.” Cook said. “With Lord Jobs no longer in charge, the workers may get their aid. This is very worrying.”

Apple remains tight lipped about what exactly the iPrick was, or possibly is, but they did say “Customers would/will feel even more raped than they did when we told them what apps they could install on their iPhone. Combined with the proposed ‘All Seeing i’, it would have simultaneously boosted our targeted advertising by watching everyone who agreed to the Terms of Service 24/7, and jammed all Windows and Android products within a 13 foot radius. We’re confident 10 out of every 10 customers don’t ever make it past the first 3 pages of the 146 page ToS document.”

Jobs stated that his resignation does not spell the end of Apple’s plans; Cook has recently procured an Asian baby which he will consume during the ritual where he builds his red lightsaber-staff.