Anderson Cooper: Superhero [video]

Not so long ago we mocked the news industry as a whole and we said CNN has no balls.  We named names.  Wolf Blitzer.  Larry King.  Anderson Cooper.  Today, as responsible journalists ourselves, we recant that statement.  Not about Wolf Blitzer and Larry King, but about Anderson Cooper, who may in fact have Wolf Blitzer’s and Larry King’s balls as well.  Have a look, but it’s kind of bloody (so you’ve been warned).

Cooper had a bit of a hardcore air about him during Katrina, he was in the thick of it, but in Haiti Anderson Cooper is right in the middle of shit trying to save lives.  As you can see in the video, in the midst of some crazy looting, people are chucking out massive cement blocks and one hits a kid in the head.  And then BAM!  Anderson Cooper is all over that shit.

Cooper pulls the kid away form the crowd to safety as blood pours from a massive wound on the kid’s head, it’s kind of insane.  Then, after struggling for a sec to think of what to do, he just drops his camera, picks the kid up and takes him off somewhere.  Wolf, all ball-less and back home in America, says the child was taken away by a couple people and they are unsure what happened to him.  But the point is he was in a pretty awful situation and the man who saved in was Anderson Cooper.

Being that we’re all journalists here, we rang up Anderson on the phone after unblocking CNN’s number and decided to see if he does this kind of thing often.  You may not believe it but we swear on our sincerity we didn’t make any of this up.  Here’s a full list of things that Anderson Cooper has done that we assume he’d tell us if we actually knew how to get ahold of him:

• Anderson Cooper once fought a pterodactyl
• Anderson Cooper once saved Britain from the Spanish
• Anderson Cooper, along with Simon Cowell, keep the tight t-shirt manufacturers of the world in business
• Anderson Cooper cured polio
• Anderson Cooper won the 2000 election
• Anderson Cooper built a time machine to save John Lennon’s life, but realized that altering the play of human events was not the kind of power one man should have so he destroyed it.  After he went back and killed Hitler with his bare hands.  But not before Jay Leno went back and stopped him
• Anderson Cooper inspired Good Will Hunting
• Anderson Cooper once lifted a bus and carried it along its route because the people were in a hurry and good people taking public transit shouldn’t have to wait for slow ass buses
• Anderson Cooper reproduced by cellular mitosis