An Exclusive First Look at the New iPod Touch

The internet has been all aflutter with rumors that a new iPod Touch will be announced in the coming days.  The hype reached a fever pitch when Apple sent out invites for an event taking place tomorrow, September 9th, 2009.  We have been following this developing story closely.  How closely?  Well, how about receiving an exclusive look at the new iPod Touch along with detailed descriptions of all of the new features from an inside source at Apple?  Is that closely enough for you?  No need to answer that, because the answer is yes, so shut your mouth and keep reading.

1. Slimmer Design

You were probably a bit confused by the arrow pointing to the long black line in the picture above.  It looks like a whole bunch of nothing, right?  Wrong, that’s a side view of the new iPod Touch.  Against all odds, Steve Jobs (who did not provide this information to us, in case you’re wondering) and his gang of tech savvy henchmen have actually managed to make the already slim iPod Touch even slimmer.  Clocking in at a width of just four microns, the iPod Touch is approximately as wide as a mosquito’s penis is long.  That’s the actual wording used in the advertising, by the way.  In fact, in the picture above, the image is actually magnified 500%.  You can’t even see this shit in real life.  At least not from the side.  That’s also from the advertising.

2. Polaroid Camera

Retro is all the rage these days, and nobody recognizes that more than the folks at Apple.  Take that slimmer-bordering-on-invisible side view of the new iPod Touch.  Doesn’t it kind of hearken back to the days of Crystal Pepsi?  No?  Not really?  Well, you’re wrong.  You can’t see the new iPod from the side and Crystal Pepsi was like invisible and shit.  You could see right through the bottle.  It’s like it was empty, but still full of Pepsi.  Way ahead of its time.  Trust us, it’s the same thing.  And the throwback qualities don’t end there.

While most portable devices are clamoring to find room to cram some shitty digital camera into their gadget space, Apple is taking it one step further with an included Polaroid instant camera.  When it comes to instant photo gratification, nothing ever topped the magic of the Polaroid camera.  Take a picture, shake it for reasons that are still unclear to us, wait five minutes and voila, you got yourself a photo.  No USB connections, no emailing, none of that tech savvy horseshit.

For such a forward thinking device, the inclusion of an old school instant camera is a shrewd move guaranteed to appeal to older users who miss the days when taking a picture was easy.  No more digital camera mess to wallow through to take a picture.  Now, you just push the black button in the middle, click the menu icon on the screen, open the “apps” menu, open the “photos” app, open the “settings” menu within the “photos” app, set your desired lighting percentage that you should have already calculated using the “outdoor photos” app, shake the iPod three times forcefully and double click the big red button that appears on the screen.  Simple.

3. iShank

Worried about getting mugged on the subway and having your iPod taken from you by force?  Well you should be, you’re a total pussy.  But consider those fears erased the moment you purchase the new third generation iPod Touch.  When faced with less than comfortable surroundings, like being on a bus with poor people for example, just keep your thumb on the revolutionary iShank icon which makes its debut with this new generation iPod.  When the icon is clicked, a rusty, six-inch prison shank juts out from the top of the device.  If someone acts up, use it to throttle their windpipe.  Does throttle mean “to choke”?  Yes, yes it does.  But imagine “choking” an assailant with a rusty prison shank.  Right, disaster averted (for you anyway, that guy has six kids to support and was just wanting to ask if you knew what time it was).

But be advised, there is currently no safety feature for the iShank application.  It would have delayed the release announcement, and 09/09/09 was way too cool of a date to pass up.  Our source tells us that a safety feature will be included with the next iTunes update.  Until then, just watch your digits.  And take it easy on the mass transit folk, Bernie Goetz.

4. Obsolescence Timer

If there is one concern most people have when purchasing a new iPod, it’s whether that $2.00 silicon case they bought from some Japanese company on Ebay will arrive before the screen becomes catastrophically scratched despite never being touched by human hands.  After that question is resolved, most people want to know how soon after their purchase will a newer, awesomer iPod be released.  Wonder no more.  Each third generation iPod comes with a built in timer that counts down to the very moment when your device will be come a laughing stock amongst your hipper, more technologically advanced friends.

5. The Black Button On the Left

Being a touchscreen device, the need for actual buttons is pretty much nonexistent.  But Apple understands, sometimes you just want to fuck around with real life buttons.  It’s a nostalgia thing.  It reminds you of the days of Sony Walkmans and VCR’s and porn printed on paper and stuff.  To address this, the third generation iPod Touch now includes an additional button to the left of the original button.  It’s pretty useless.  Basically, instead of just clicking on something, a song you want to listen to for example, you would push the black button, click on the song you want to listen to, and then click the big black button on the left to listen to it.  This is just retarded.  But for some reason, we like it anyway.

6. The Black Button On the Right

This button is, in fact, even more useless than the extra button on the left.  It does the exact same thing that the button on the left does.  There is really no reason for this to exist, but early prototypes of the third generation Touch revealed that the two button model just looked like ass.  This situation could only be rectified by adding a third button.  Seriously, it’s completely pointless.

7. iNFINITE™ Storage Capacity

Limited storage capacity has long been a sticking point for serious music lovers when it comes to purchasing an iPod Touch.  32 GB?  Well that covers our collection of Animal Collective bootlegs.  Now where will the rest of our music go?  Well, consider those concerns obliterated thanks to Apple’s new iNFINITE™ Storage Capacity.  Notice the douchebaggy way they spelled infinite?  Yeah, that means it’s trademarked.  Read it and weep, Zune!

How does the new technology work?  Simple, the third generation iPod Touch is capable of holding every song that has been or ever will be recorded.  Thanks to wireless technology and, like, science and stuff, the songs aren’t even stored on the iPod.  Instead, the songs are stored on remote servers buried somewhere underground near the Apple headquarters.

This means that, technically, your iPod comes preloaded with every song ever recorded.  You don’t even have to pay for them.  You just have to show tendencies that would lead one to believe you like a certain song or artist.  The iNFINITE™ technology includes coding that actually reads your thoughts and loads your iPod accordingly.  Love NASCAR?  Enjoy the complete works of Nickelback, because it’s on your iPod right now.  Are you a fan of the films of Michael Gondry?  Then you’ll love those albums by French electronic duo Air.  Do you often debate the inner workings of the cast of The Hills?  Have fun listening to whatever kind of horrific Black Eyed Peas songs accompany shitty decision making of that magnitude.  You didn’t download them, because you didn’t have to.  Apple just knows.