An Analyzation of the “BullySmart: For Kids” Self-Defense Video

As you may have noticed in our daily link round up wherein we honor the work of our fellow internet funnymen, we have a bully self-defense video dug up by the fine folks over at Everything Is Terrible. Now while simply watching the video is all you need to get yourself a hardy laugh, we’re going to examine this video and break it down bit by bit much in the same way scholars over analyze great works of literature. By that we mean we’re going to point out symbolism, allegory and metaphor that would have made the original author call us “emotionally projecting lit-snobs.”

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As the toilet water filled and drained your ears, fading the sound of your bully’s demonic cackle in and out, you probably thought only one thing: “I wish I knew some sweet-ass Kung Fu moves so I could fend off these villains.” Well guess what? Someone actually made a self defense video for bullied kids, and you’re hearing about it 15-20 years too late. But, really, once you watch the video you’ll realize that attempting any of the suggested maneuvers would have probably gotten you a few weeks reprieve not because of their usefulness in the bully battlefield, but as a result of the full body cast that would have left you bed ridden.

Thanks to BullySmart: For Kids, we now know that in order to avoid a fight with a bully you should not wear any clothing that may be associated with gang paraphernalia. For instance, if you’re Ralphie from A Christmas Story…

…you probably shouldn’t dress like a Crip as you wander aimlessly through your Sub‘hood (“Sub’Hood” being a particularly rough and tumble portion of a suburban, White, Upper-Middle class neighborhood).

When it comes to tips on exchanging blows with a bully, BullySmart advises you to…give them a high five?

I guess this could be a viable self-defense tactic. Who doesn’t love high-fives, especially in the early 90s when this video was obviously made? The early 90s were the peak of high-five-dom. This is probably one of those things that can only be appreciated in an Historical context. Sure, now high-fives are ironic, but in the 90s? Man, you could’ve high fived your way out of a murder accusation.

O.J.'s High-Five request won over the jury

After high fiving your bully in to submission, BullySmart teaches you some other valuable tips and tricks such as slapping and biting. These tactics work extremely well due to every bully’s inherent fear of being a gay. Fighting like a gay brings all the bully’s self doubt bubbling to the surface; along with that one memory he has of that time at sleep-away camp where he gave a fellow camper a handy. These moves may not take him down physically, but they will annihilate him emotionally.

Also, they ain’t fucking kidding when they tell you that you might get curb stomped by a bully American History X style. All bullies are emotionally disturbed demons that will probably grow up to be closeted homosexual Neo-Nazis. They will over compensate whenever possible. Yes, stomping a person’s face in to the ground is a form of over-compensation.

If there’s one lesson you should take away from this video, it’s that you don’t even need this training to take down a bully. If you’re smart enough, you don’t even need to throw one girly punch their way. All you have to do is kindly remind the bully that the reason their father left is because he couldn’t handle the emotional strain of having to care for such a failure of a son. If that doesn’t work, then you pull out the big guns by reminding him that his mother’s drug polluted womb is the reason he doesn’t have an awesome little brother like you do. You should follow this up by saying something to the effect of “Mmmm, sure is awesome having a little brother that isn’t an embryo in a toilet!”