American Idol Returns; is Less Drunk But May Still be Fabricated
By Ian Fortey
American Idol returned last night for it’s 9th season and the most notable thing about the entire evening was the stark lack of substance abuse. Not from contestants, most of them seemed very much in the care of mental health professionals, but on the judge’s panel. Yes indeed kids, Paula Abdul has left the building and will be replaced with Neil Patrick Harris in short order.
Last night, filling in for Paula’s meandering inconsistency and general chemical-induced perkiness was Victoria Beckham, who over ten years and a few faces ago was a Spice Girl. Do you know how popular the Spice Girls were? They were so popular that when the video for WannaBe came out, and it was basically just a bunch of nipple stiffies, the world at large was still cool with it. Usually people hate explicit nipple stiffies. FunnyCrave supports nipple stiffies however. That’s why our janitor Tom has such a tight pair of coveralls and we make him work with the AC cranked. Oh yeah, Tommy. You always suspected and now you know.
Anyway, a very shiny Victoria Beckham filled in along with Simon Cowell who appeared to be wearing an undershirt, Randy Jackson who still pretends to be the nice guy while laughing mercilessly at people when Simon mocks them, and that other chick who may as well be Paula Abdul for all anyone cares. No offence. One of the girls auditioning even called her Paula. Take that, 90’s music icon.
So what set season 9 apart from all previous seasons, minus the lack of Paula Abdul? Unparalleled self-delusion.
Every year on American Idol, about one in 10 people featured show real, genuine talent and go through. Maybe two or three are just OK but not enough to progress. And the rest are train wrecks. Just abysmal. And of those 7 or so people, it’s a safe bet two or three are frauds. It’s been proven in the past that actors and comedians will audition and be so over the top on purpose just to get featured on TV and you have to expect that. So when you’re staring in awe of just how retarded someone is, always remember there’s a good chance they’re just playing for the cameras. But then there are the genuine articles. Can you tell the difference? Hard to say. Let’s enjoy some from last night;
Anime Girl – She makes her own clothes and looks kind of like Sam Rockwell. How bad could this be?
Complete mental breakdown. Seriously, it’s like Simon Cowell destroyed her very essence. Bets part of this whole clip? The 1:00 mark when her mother gives America the stink-eye.
Mr. Douche – This guy has a high likelihood of being a fake, just because who on Earth is this much of an asshole? Looks like a curious mix of Rivers Cuomo and Crispin Glover.
Odds are someone kicked his ass outside the building.
Enya’s Brother – Is this Daniel Johns from Silverchair? Maybe. But like, his Yoga clone if the music producers edited in is to be believed. He inexplicably sings through his nose.
He leaves confident that the universe just went opposite day on him and he’s still awesome, plus he’s willing to touch America. Nay, the world. With his hands. Where have they been?
Gay Kid – Sorry to reduce you to your sexuality bro, but you couldn’t be more gay if you were actually copulating with Ryan Seacrest for your entire audition.
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Fun side note, he seems to have his own Youtube channel.
Totally Fake Girl - FunnyCrave is willing to put Luis’ career on the line and say there’s no chance this girl is the real deal. No one is this retarded without realizing it.