African Bum Sex Makes Headlines

This is the actual headline from an actual newspaper on the actual continent of Africa – Pastor Kiweweesi in Bum Sex Scandal: Boy Drags Flashy Man of God to police for Terrorizing his Buttocks with Monster Whopper.

Under normal circumstances this article would now be over as there’s nothing worth adding after reading a headline like that.  However, the FunnyCrave CEO radioed us from his solid gold yacht in the Cayman’s (in the midst of banging no less than 7 supermodels and eating a lobster that was also a supermodel) and demanded we reach a word limit and flesh this article out beyond a single sentence intro.

Because of that order directly from our boss, we decided to research the rest of the story.  After all,you know how headlines can be misleading sometimes, right?  Maybe this was really a story about a church bakesale that just suffered from awkward wording (Ed. Note – it wasn’t).

Anyway, here’s the full-on true story that accompanies the article.

Late Thursday evening, police in Uganda received word that Jerry Kiweweesi of the Shining O-Ring Chapel loves anus.  He loves it.  He loves to use his massive whopper to just grind ass like a pepper mill.

According to witness statements, the pastor has porked bottoms from one side of the country to the other and back and is basically a serial ass blaster of nearly unimaginable proportions.  More stunning is that he prefers the recta of the homeless, effectively making him Africa’s first bum bum lover.

Since the late 1980’s there’s been a moratorium on sodomizing the homeless so the pastor could find himself in quite a bit of hot water, as opposed to loose sphincter as he is used to.

Countdown to Pulitzer nomination begins now…