Admiral Ackbar: College Mascot? Yes, please!
By Luis Prada
College mascots usually suck. They’re usually boring and lame. Oh, you’re college’s mascot is a bird with a grimace? Whoopty shit. No one cares. What’s that? A pirate? Close, but suck it. It still blows. The only mascot in the history of mascots that’s in anyway passable is the Phillies Fanatic because A) he’s a clusterfuck of crazy. No one knows just what he is, other than a lunatic with a horn for a nose. And B) I fear Phillies fans will kick my ass if I don’t make an exception for the Fanatic. But, even then, the Fanatic is a major league baseball team’s mascot. Pretty far removed from college.
If we want to dive in to the world of shitty college mascots, we need to look no further than Ole Miss’ mascot, Colonel Reb…
…a man that, by the look of him, probably knocked up a couple of his slaves. In 2003, Ole Miss attempted to change the mascot. They let the students vote on who the next foam-headed cartoon would be; either a character named Rebel Bruiser, or another douchebag named Rowdy Rebel. While we couldn’t find pictures of either of them, we assume they both look like this…
Is it just me, or does this guy look like the redneck Joss Whedon?
Thankfully, the vote was suspended because students didn’t care, and Ole Miss has been without an official on-field mascot ever since. They hope to change that soon, though, as Ole Miss is currently conducting yet another poll that would allow students to select their new mascot. The polls opened on Tuesday and there’s already a clear front runner.
Admiral Fucking Ackbar.
The worry now is that while the students may end up choosing Ackbar in an overwhelming majority, they’ll still have to get approval from George Lucas. We can’t help you out there, noble students of Ole Miss. But we can help with your second problem, the alumi association. This conglomerate of stuffy, non-Star Wars loving southern folk is standing in the way of your voice and freedom. If you want Ackbar as your mascot, fuck it. Let that bipedal squid from Mon Calamari lead the charge as your football team takes the field.
So, in order to swing some alumni voters your way, students, we’re going to point out some of Ackbar’s finer points.
1) He excels as trap detection. You put Ackbar in a room with 500 of the smartest human men you can find, along with one very cleverly hidden trap, and see what happens. I’ll tell you what happens. Ackbar will announce the shit out of that trap’s presence by the time all of the 500 humans realize that they’re in a room.
2) Did you ever play Star Wars: Rough Squadron for the N64? Well, if you get all gold medals in that game, you are given the title of Supreme Allied Commander. That’s, literally, the highest rank you can get in the game. Yeah, well, guess what? Admiral Ackbar is the Supreme Allied Commander. ‘Nuff said on that subject.
3) He’s a goddamn cephalopod… A SAPIENT CEPHALOPOD!!
4) He was a slave, and then he freed his people and became a leader of men. Does that sound familiar to you devout Christians? It should, it’s the story of Moses. But, more importantly, it’s the story of Ackbar, Admiral Ackbar.
