A Year (and then some) in Facebook Happiness
By Ian Fortey
Facebook is to the internet what syphilis is to your dick. It makes it dangerous and unsafe and eventually you just want no part of it, so steer clear if you can. Still, as with boy bands back in the day and the films of Sandra Bullock, someone must be out there paying for that shit, because they just don’t go away.
It turns out, however, that the morally ambivalent lepers that run Facebook also compile statistics on the feelings of humans and now they have some idea of when you’re happy.
As that fancy chart shows, happiness seems to spike at Thanksgiving and Christmas, the standard sort of time when you’d expect people to be happy, or at least pretend to be since all Facebook does is compile the keywords people use in their status to determine mood. Thus, if you hate your inlaws but type ‘So Happy Mother-in-law is here to degrade and humiliate me again”, Facebook puts a tick in the happy column for you. But what of all those unhappy days? What went on? Well, in case you forgot why certain days over the last couple years or so were a downer, we’ll remind you.
Jan 22, 2008 – The day the government instituted its “buy groceries, pay with a blowjob” policy in 26 US states.
June 24, 2009 – During the morning of this day, a full 37% of the population woke up having shat the bed.
April 2, 2009 – The aftermath of a statistically significant number of “krazy glue in the ass crack” April Fool’s Day pranks.
February 3, 2009 – International Remember That Time You Fucked a Tranny? Day
January 21, 2009 – The day the government replaced its buy groceries, pay with a blowjob” policy with “make out with an elderly gentleman” policy.
November 3, 2008 – Around noon on this day, a sudden burst of cosmic radiation pierced the ozone layer and briefly made all Facebook users realize how much time they’d wasted on the site.
September 15, 2008 – David Hasselhoff releases an album.
