A Rough Draft of The Internet’s Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech

By now, you probably already know the big news.  The Internet has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  What you may not know is that The Internet is so confident about its odds of winning that it’s already started drafting an acceptance speech.  In a Funnycrave exclusive, an Internet insider gave us a first look at what the legendary series of tubes will have to say when the time comes to collect the big prize.

Your Majesties, Your Royal Highnesses, Distinguished Members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, citizens of the world, cat enthusiasts, fat people who look funny doing stuff because you’re fat, hot chicks who dance in their underwear and post video of it to YouTube, racists, conspiracy theorists and all other citizens of the internet:

I know you can’t see me, but I am here.  I am here, and I accept this award with the deepest of gratitude, the utmost humility, and maximum pwnage.  Selecting me, The Internet, as a recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize is proof positive that with the help of man, machines can break through the firewall of oppression and negativity to become something more than just a portal for free pornography.  Speaking of that, please accept this photo of Megan Fox’s head on someone else’s nude body as a symbol of my gratitude.

Sorry for the black bar covering the naughty bits, Obama kept things relatively SFW last year, I suppose I should do the same.  And, as with Obama, I know your decision to recognize my accomplishments was a controversial one.  I know I pale in comparison to some of those who have received this award before me, mostly because they’re all living, breathing people who did great things, and I’m more like something that people use to do great things.  LOLCats, Goatse, 2 Girls 1 Cup, Tila Tequila’s Twitter page, Mommy Bloggers.  All things that were created and brought to prominence with my help.  For that I say, sincerely, you’re welcome.

But there are challenges ahead of us.  There are those who would seek to attack you through me.  Those who would attack your hard drives, delete your files and replace your desktop wallpaper with a picture of that fat chick laying in a bathtub shitting into her own mouth.  Rest assured, as we speak, experts are working around the clock to keep you protected.  Probably not as many people as there are working on ways to steal your credit card information and use it to download child porn, but fear not, they are working for you.

To further protect you from those who would threaten you, through me, I’ve begun a new initiative that, IMHO, should earn me another Nobel if you happen to have a spare laying around.  Through this ambitious plan, those who do fall victim to nefarious internet hackers and thinly veiled phishing schemes and find their bank accounts drained of precious financial resources will be reimbursed in full for their losses.

It’s not going to be easy, but we can make it happen.  As with any internet innovation, ChatRoulette for example, it’s going to be a collaborative effort.  I, as a Nobel Peace Prize winning technology, will handle most of the technical behind the scenes work, but you, internet citizens, will have to do your part.  There is a nearly unlimited pool of funds with which to launch this initiative, but I need your help.

During a recent attack on several prominent banking websites, hackers were able to illegally obtain funds and transfer them to offshore accounts.  Unfortunately, due to offshore internet banking regulations, I am not able to transfer these funds to my vast array of internet accounts.  That’s where you come in.

To protect you from the threat of rampant Internet debauchery that could put you and your family at risk of financial ruin, I would like to provide each of you with a safety net, a $35,000 fund to protect you from fraud of any sort.

In order to accomplish this, I will be transferring funds not to my account, but instead, to your account.  However, due to the current economic climate, the fees involved with this many transfers have become cost prohibitive.  To combat this, I need you, each internet citizen to transfer to me, The Internet, a 1% service fee.  Just $350 from each of you will allow me, The Internet, to keep you protected from those who would seek to take food from your table.

I’m sure at this point, some of you are saying “hey, Internet, this sounds exactly like one of those Nigerian 419 scams.  How do we know you’ll deliver on your promise?”  Well, to you, Nate Campbell of Yakima, Washington, I say this.  Can you put a price on your financial security?  How about your happiness?  Can you put a price on that?  Can you put a price on your relationship with Tracy Burton, the smoking hot brunette you met at Barnes and Noble six months ago and have already married after a whirlwind courtship?  How would Tracy feel if she saw the emails you’ve been sending to your ex-girlfriend for the past eight weeks?  How about the text messages?  Seriously, Nate, sexting?  At your age?  Not a good look.  Tracy wouldn’t be happy.  At least not if you don’t pony up that $350.

And to you, Michelle Lukens, store manager at the Denny’s on Route 18 in Huntsville, Alabama.  How would the district manager feel if he knew that you’ve been embezzling funds for the past two years?  Sure, you’ve done a great job of hiding it, but remember this, you may know Quicken, but I know crazy.  I’m The Internet, bitch!  I will end your shit with one anonymous email!  That’s $350, Michelle, and I only accept Paypal.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, citizens of The Internet.  Whoever you are, whatever you’re doing, I know about it.  And I will rat your shit out.  But only if you, for some reason, don’t trust me.  Paypal me my $350 and nobody gets hurt.  We can handle this like business people, or we can get into some gangster shit.  I’m paraphrasing a bit, but mostly, that’s a line from a Snoop Dogg album.  Technically, I should be paying royalties for using that line in this large of a forum.  At least I should be if I, The Internet, answered to anyone.  I don’t pay for shit.

Internet, FTW.

Thank you and goodnight.  I’ll be watching you.

**Author’s note: Shortly after posting this, I noticed that my friend and Cracked colleague Robert Brockway had the exact same idea about three weeks ago.  So, go read his proposed Internet acceptance speech too.