A Reality TV Show Idea for the White House Party Crashers

If you’re anything like us, then you avoided the White House party crasher story like it was a creature made of pure and easily contractible venereal disease. That’s what we managed to do for 4 glorious Thanksgiving holiday days off. Every time that story popped on a website or on the news, we escaped its retarded path just in the nick of time. In fact, it wasn’t until today, when we had to find something newsworthy/retarded to write about, that we actually found out what the big deal was.

We just instinctually knew that the story involved a couple of raging, self-absorbed, fame-obsessed douche bags that had done something that was royally stupid.

We. Were. Right.

Just in case you still have no clue as to what this story is about, allow us to recap it for you: Two examples of the worst kind of human – a socialite couple that’s trying to get themselves a spot on Bravo’s Real House Wives of D.C. — snuck in to Barack Obama’s first state dinner, and actually got to shake hands and snap a picture with the president.

The problem with reporting this story to you is that by doing so, we’ve given the 6ft high pile of baboon shit that is this married couple exactly what they want, publicity. We’re just feeding their mentally challenged fire, and getting them one step closer to the TV shows, and interviews, and magazine cover shoots, that they want.

Why do they want that stuff? Because they’re very bored rich people that figure there’s nothing better to do when you’re rich than to show the world just the kind of asshole tons of money will eventually turn you in to.

So, again, the problem is, how do we tell you about these people without giving in to what they want?

The answer is quite simple, really. We give them what they want.

They want publicity? They want fame? They want their own TV show? Awesome. We’ve got just the solution for them.  Here’s our pitch for a revolutionary new reality TV show starring the couple that we haven’t even named because fuck those assholes.

The show will be brilliant in its simplicity. It will be called Getting Launched Out Of A Fucking Canon And In To A Pit Of Goddamn Sharks That Are Made Of Knives. Yeah, it’s a bit wordy, but our research found that if we shortened the title by just one word, the Us Weekly and People Magazine readers that are probably rubbing their genitals furiously at the mere thought of more juicy gossip about these two would immediately denounce the show as too “Pretentious” and “Queer.” We can’t alienate those jack-offs. They’re our target audience.

Cameras will follow the couple for the six weeks that lead up to their launching out of a canon and in to a large pit of live sharks that have been somehow genetically engineered to also be made of very sharp knives. Of course, we never actually tell the couple that at the end of the six weeks they’ll meet a gun powder-propelled, cutlery-infused fish demise. No, that last party will be saved for the series finale when they’re chloroformed in their homes and they wake up a few hours later within the scorched inner recesses of a live canon.

We predict that it’ll be a ratings sensation. They’ll get the fame and celebrity status that they wanted, and we all get a hardy laugh.

Win-win.