A Re-cap of the Jon and Kate plus 8 Series Finale (from someone that’s never watched” Jon and Kate plus 8”)

Jon staggered in to the bed room, his Ed Hardy shirt in tatters, blood seeping out from below the shirt’s print of tigers and dragons.

“Damn you, Kate!” he said. “Damn you and your infernal fertile womb!”

“Don’t blame me, you swine!” Kate shot back. “If it weren’t for your mighty sperm cells and the aid of the mad science of Dr. PreggoMaster, the world wouldn’t be ending and stuff!”

She took a pregnant pause – one that was sure to spew forth a barrage of tiny bombs of destruction…like the babies that she gave birth to oh so long ago. Back when it was a different world.

She withheld her comments, instead opting to pull the knife from her leg. A jet of blood shot out, coating her BabyBjorn baby carrier. There was some symbolism in that, but in this time of panic, of death, neither of them could see it. Granted, they probably wouldn’t have been able to see it anyway because, let’s face it, they aren’t the brightest bulbs in the bunch, but the symbolism was there…and it meant…something.

“Here, let me fix that,” said Jon as he ripped off his shirt. He wrapped it around Kate’s wounded leg with the attention that only one with lingering feelings could give.

As Kate looked down at Jon while he tended to her, her mind drifted to a better time – a time before the their TV show, before the magazine covers, before their brood 8 of hell beasts sprouted their wings and started eating peoples’ faces and absorbing their souls. Things were much happier when their babies weren’t eating peoples’ faces and absorbing their souls.

Tears began to fill Kate’s eyes. Something that she hadn’t felt in ages began to creep its way back in to her heart: love. Love for Jon.

“Jon?” Kate said with a hint of trepidation.

“Yeah?”

“You’re such a douche.”

“No,” Jon said, finally looking up from the wound. “You are.”

Their lips met for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, but it was really only like a few months.

Their passion grew and grew. Their sexy parts began to get all excited, because that’s what their there for. But, then, the pain. They both crumpled to the floor in agony.

The inhibitor chips that the United Nations placed in their brains to prevent them from having more children fired off a searing flash of pain in to their brains and sexy parts. Alas, they could never again make the love that they were obviously so good at.

“Damn these inhibiter brain chips!!” bellowed Jon. “I just want to get down with my bad self!”

“My va-jay-jay feels like its imploding!!”

“Quick!” said Jon. “Think of something else! Think of all of the pain we’ve caused the human race! Think of all of the death and destruction that our actions and show and magazine covers and just our general overall existence have caused!”

“I am! It’s only making it worse!!”

“Then think about our lives if we hadn’t done any of that!” screamed Jon.

Their pain subsided. A wave of relief swept over their bodies.

SCREEE-AWWWWWWWW!!

The undeniable sound. They had returned.

“It appears that our children are home for the holidays! Ready your axe, Kate!” yelled Jon.

There was no time to bask in the soothing feeling left behind in the aftermath of an inhibitor chip attack. Kate stood on her wobbly legs, using the bed that she and Jon created their demonic children on as a crutch.

“Are we really going to do this, Jon?” Kate said. “Are we really going to battle our own children, our own flesh and blood, to the death?”

“To set everything right again, I’d kill them one-thousand times over. Now, pick up your axe! We have beasts to slay!”

Kate grabbed the axe handle and swung the weapon above her head, just the way that Fe Long, her martial arts master from the mountains of China, taught her to do in the very brief period that she was divorced from Jon and then fled to the mountains of China to become a martial arts master.

Jon gave his broad sword one final look. He saw himself in the reflection. For just a brief moment, Jon regretted everything he had ever done. He hated himself. He wished that he had never been born so that they people of the world didn’t have to die because of something he started.

But then the light caught him just right and he thought, “Yeah, I’d do me,” and all of that regret vanished as if it had never even existed in the first place.

Jon and Kate caught each other’s eye, both now knowing what must be done.

“Let’s do this,” they said at the same time.

They rushed out of their home. There, flying just above their lawn, was their demon brood of 8 demon babies. The pillars of smoke and raging fires in the distance, the blackened sky and smell of decaying human flesh; they knew right then and there that they were humanity’s last hope — Mankind’s last stand.

“Hello, parental units,” said the demon brood as if of one mind. “Have you come to slay us?”

“Shit yeah,” said Kate. This would literally be the best, most intelligent thing she would ever say in her life.

The battle had begun.

Thunder clashed. Lightening struck. The earth rattled beneath their feet. Blood was spilled.

And there, amongst the dead bodies of the brood, stood a bloody and battered Jon — a hand covering the hole where his left eye once sat.

Kate, with her signature hairdo only slightly askew, planted her axe in to the scorched earth and used it as leverage to pick herself up. She knew that life was going to be difficult with only one arm.

They staggered toward one another. They embraced.

To hell with the inhibitor chips! They were going to kiss even if it killed them!

And so they did. With no pain in the brains or sexy parts. Their battle with the brood was so intense and so massive that it destroyed the building that controlled their inhibitor chips.

They pulled away from each other, smiling, knowing that they were the last people on earth; that they were now reasonable for repopulating earth.

Jon and Kate. The new Adam and Eve.

Their joy could be felt for miles.

As they gazed in to the sunset (or maybe it was a massive fire?) they held each other.

Their warm smiles slowly dimed. At the same time they both realized the same thing.

Dread filled their hearts.

It was their children that had caused all of this, but could they spawn a child that wasn’t of the face eating, soul absorbing variety?

They were going to find out.

They banged right there in the dirt.

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Overall, it was a decent ending to a show that I’ve never seen before.

Id’ give it a 5.5 out of 10.