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When you first start a serious relationship with a girl, one of the first things you do to try to go from lonely chronic masturbator to upstanding and respectable boyfriend is try to disguise your dirty, dirty love for porn.

But why do that? If she doesn’t want to be as sexual open to new and exciting ideas (and orifices), then what’s the point of it all? A good, healthy relationship should be based on trust. A mutual understanding of each other’s wants and needs. The first step in reaching this goal of a mutual understanding is very simple — sit down and cozy-up together as you watch two (or many more) people have sex with each other.

Now, assuming that you have already spent months of your life talking her in to your first night of porn watching, here are some tips and tricks that will help you through this nerve wrecking experience.

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Do Play Dumb

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Like some kind of NASA super-computer you probably have a vast collection of porn-centric knowledge in your head that you are always ready to bust out just in case someone brings up the topic of porn.  In this sense, you are like a child playing with an action figure that’s based off of a cartoon. If you ask that child who that character is, they will rattle off about 45 minutes worth of inane bullshit that you cannot escape from. You are that small child, but instead of a toy, it’s facials and meat curtains.

In this scenario, the biggest fear is allowing your girlfriend in to that secret dirty place in your mind, then watching her attempt to run away screaming as she slips and slides on various bodily fluids and becomes entangled in an assortment of leather laced ball gags. What you need to do is pretend that this dirty room in your brain only contains a single dusty memory of a single exposed breast you saw on a Cinemax porn just before ran out of the room shielding your eyes.

For example, if you are going to watch internet porn, don’t let her know you have a mental backlog of nearly every free porn site that you’ve ever come across. You have to play dumb here. When you go to enter a URL you should think aloud, “Fucktube? Pussytube? Gosh! I can’t seem to remember the name of that blasted site!…Ah! Yes! SnatchSnatchers.edu!”

In the same vein, nothing screams “creepy” more than possessing an encyclopedic knowledge of porn star names.  Its gives off the sense that you’ve spent a substantial amount of quality time with these people, even though the real amount of time is probably only made up of small 2 ½ minuet bursts accumulated over the course of about 15 years.

Don’t Watch a Lesbian Scene

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In an attempt to appeal to a girls’ girly side, you may forego the bloody and violent action movie for the lighter, fluffier romantic-comedy fare. Sadly, this idea does not work when the movie you’re watching involves nothing but hardcore sex between two females with self-esteem issues. No matter how much you try to convince her, she’ll never be able to understand the subtle, complex messages of female empowerment inherent in a scene of two chicks hammering away at one another with a 17” dildo named Mjolnir. Sure, the argument of “these are two women that have cast aside their shackles of male imposed oppression, and have found solace with each other’s vaginas” is a clever one, but women aren’t as quick to rationalize their pervy habits as men are. They’ll see right through it.

Do Show Her Less of What You’ve Got

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A girl that brings her fine, upstanding boyfriend home to meet mom and dad isn’t a girl that has seen his vast collection of erotic material from around the world. No, she will not be impressed by the fact that you have all 48 movies in the “Nazi Anal Sluts of the Third Reich” series, nor will she be impressed by the “Brazilian Cock-Mongers” septology. She may know that you watch porn, but she doesn’t need to know that you have given some serious thought to converting your basement in to dewy decimal-ed porn library.

To combat this, a man must do what all men have always done with our porn – hide the shit and hide it good. It you have a robust collection of video files on your computer, try hiding it in a deeply buried folder labeled “Not Porn.” Or, perhaps, keep the file on your desktop but have the file secured with a 256-digit encryption code. (On average, most women usually give up trying to crack it after the first 167 digits).

If you have a large DVD collection, may we suggest renting out a storage facility? Why are we asking that question? Of course you should rent out a storage facility! Just buy yourself an old TV, a DVD player, and a time-weathered recliner that you got off of Craigslist, and move them in to the storage room. If you are sleeping next to your fine lady late at night and you get the urge to purge (your dick), then a simple trip to the storage facility will fix that right up. If when you get back she’s standing there with her arms folded and sporting a rather cross look on her face, just be honest with her…tell her you were having sex with another woman.

If she finds out that you have rented out a storage facility filled with porn that you have furnished with a TV, DVD player and a recliner, she’ll give you a rather chilling look that no man wants to be on the receiving end of. Also, she’ll probably get a restraining order. And vomit on you. Because you’re kinda sick.

Don’t Kick Things Off with WTF?! Porn

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Your lady was probably raised to respect the act of sex. Sure, she may have slept with 15 more men than you care to know about, but all of those sex sessions were probably in the boring old missionary position with the lights off while half asleep. Besides, studies show that most women are not in to the weird stuff. We have no idea if such a study actually exists, but we’re willing to bet that some scientist once thought of performing that study before he got distracted by some totally lame cancer research (let’s face it science, you’re never going to cracked that egg!).

Your lady may not be able to see the finer side of the weird stuff, so we suggest you keep it away from her for as long as possible, then slowly slip it in little-by-little until she winces and swats it away. At that point, stop and try it again when she is a little more receptive to it, or when she’s a little drunk. (This is also a good method for getting her to eat your mom’s terrible cooking LOL! Semicolon letter “P”)

So when you sit down together for you first viewing of a porno, you may want to start things off with some black and white old-timey porn. The closer to Victorian era porn the better. Watching a mustache waxed man and a woman with a body like a slightly overweight cinder block fumble over one another as the title cards read things like “Golly, Mister! That honker sure is swell!” and “It appears that your exposed bosoms are, in fact, the cause of this particular case of honker swelling! Hazzah!” will give her a good foundation that you can build upon.

Save the bukkakes and the tentacle rape for another time. Just put yourself in her shoes. What if, when you were a child, your first glimpse of porn was a woman being gang banged by a gaggle of lobster men with penises for antennae? Your view of sex would be radically different to say the least.

Also, most hardcore porn is very unkind. No self-respecting girlfriend will look upon you favorably when she discovers that you think it’s “Hot” when a woman gets viciously fish hooked or has her face crammed in to a toilet bowl mid-coatis. This sends her all sorts of rapey mixed messages that may sway her view of you more on to the side of “Maniac” than on the side of “Soul mate.”

Do Gauge Her Reactions, Adjust Yours Accordingly

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If you’ve chosen rather tame porn to kick off this new level of relationship experience sharing and your girlfriend is still slightly put off by what she sees, take note of this and be about 3 times more disgusted with it than she. If she seems to be enjoying it, then express your enjoyment for porn the way you normally would (clapping with open palms and shouting), but water it down just a touch (give a thoughtful look, point to the monitor and say “I concur,” or “I believe this was a capital idea.”) . You want to play it cool.

Once your girlfriend believes that you and she are on the same level of porn tastes, you can then screen pornos that have a slightly rougher edge. The key here is to find that sweet, sweet middle ground where she is only mildly repulsed, and where your testicles are about to explode.