A Practical Guide to Sweating Profusely In Public

Let’s cut right to the chase, sweating in public is embarrassing, especially when there’s no good reason for it to be happening.  One minute you’re standing in line at Panda Express, the next, you’re gushing sweat like an American tourist in a Turkish customs office with five pounds of coke taped to his body.

It’s a phenomenon that can’t even be explained by science, unless of course you do some cursory research on the subject, which we aren’t going to do, so don’t ask.  But the fact remains, much like herpes or, even worse, an unplanned pregnancy, the spontaneous public flop sweat can happen to anyone at anytime.  There’s no way to prevent it.  But with some pre-planning and quick thinking, you can lessen the damage and embarrassment.  Here are some tips to keep in mind.

Wear Layers

We already know what you’re thinking.  How is wearing more clothes going to help me sweat less?  Well rest assured that we are correct when we tell you that is the stupidest fucking question we’ve ever been asked.  Obviously, you’re going to sweat more with more clothes on.  But you’re sweating anyway, so that’s not really a concern is it?  The key here is camouflaging.

Sure, the t-shirt you have on underneath is soaking wet to the point that you now run the risk of attracting swarms of West Nile-laden mosquitoes to the pools of standing flop sweat accumulating in your back fat folds, but at least nobody can see it.  See that manly stud in the above picture who may or may not be Sacha Baron Cohen?  For all you know, he’s got a veritable ocean of expelled toxins turning his loose fitting under shirt into mother nature’s version of spandex underneath that leather jacket, zip up sweat shirt and ridiculous scarf.  But to the casual observer, he’s cool as a cucumber.

Rock a Headband

Are you going to look even remotely as awesome as one-time NBA defensive phenom Ben Wallace does in his headband?  Of course not.  Between the headband, the hair and the ridiculous show of support for Scott Skiles, there is a perfect storm of awesome brewing there.

But please note, despite being actively engaged in what appear to be pre-game warmups, enough physical activity to send most internet users into full on heat exhaustion, there is nary a drop of sweat on Ben’s face.  You know why?  Because it has nowhere to go, that’s why!  According to physiological data that we’re only half heartedly hoping is correct, sweat comes from, like, the top of your head and stuff.  In Ben’s case, all that precipitation is getting stuck in his glorious blaxploitation-era afro and that bitchin’ headband.  Genius.  Pure genius.

Again, you aren’t going to look nearly this awesome sporting your headband to your local dive bar.  But you sure as shit aren’t going to look anymore awesome with a face covered in glistening sweat beads, are you?  And hey, maybe that headband will turn into a conversation piece with the ladies.  Just think of it as some manner of peacocking, you big pick up artist you.

Glance Around Nervously

Everything we’ve mentioned up to this point presupposes that you have some kind of history of spewing sweat for no good reason.  If you’re that type, the idea of dressing for the inevitable makes perfect sense.  But it’s not always that simple.  Unwanted flop sweat can strike anyone at anytime.  That guy way up in the header image of this article, for example, is NFL quarterback David Garrard.  That guy makes a living running for his life from defensive linemen and such.  He’s in better shape than most of us could ever hope to be.  But get him in a nightclub with some random skank and the goddamn levee breaks.  Seriously, it makes no sense.

So what to do in that situation?  Don’t worry, all hope is not lost.  At this point, the first thing to keep in mind is that, in this moment, you are a sweaty bastard in the eyes of anyone you may come into contact with.  It’s time to employ some distractions.

Perhaps you could try glancing around nervously.  After all, darting looks around the room and profuse sweating go together like ecstasy and inappropriate fondling.  For a second there, people will notice the sweat and maybe even be put off a bit.  But after noticing all of your nervous glances, their thoughts will drift from “sweet Jesus that dude is soaked” to “holy shit, where is the bomb?!?!?”.  This is an ideal situation.  Not only does the threat of hidden pipe bombs take unwanted attention off of your faulty glands, but it also makes you look kind of dangerous.  Chicks love that.  Capitalize on this by seeking out the first adventure loving lady you can find.  Oh, the things she wouldn’t do to be able to tell her straightlaced friends that she once slept with a suspected terrorist.

Start Dancing

Sure, this one is a longshot, but it’s worth a try.  Those crazy YouTube videos where people “spontaneously” break out into song and dance in public are all the rage these days.  The fact that having to check multiple pockets to locate your wallet so you can pay for movie tickets has you sweating like you just ran a marathon borders on unacceptable.  There is plenty of room for those two worlds to collide here.

If you’re embarrassed right now, you absolutely should be.  But you can recover from this.  If going the potential terrorist route doesn’t suit you, it’s time to go pretend viral.  The instant you get that “why in the hell are you drenched right now?” look, you start fucking singing.  Have some common sense about it though, don’t belt out some depressing Pink Floyd tune.  If you want to laugh off your unspeakably sweat soaked physique, you might want to consider a showtune or something.

If you’ve reached this point, clearly, you know how to think fast.  That’s good, because you need to get some choreography together in short order.  It’s a thin line between a one man flash mob dance routine and some crazy fuck belting out “Oklahoma” in the lobby of Century Theater.

No doubt, you’re going to look crazy, but in the end, the fact that you had the moxie to entertain throngs of strangers will endear you to everyone in the room, even if you’re in an all encompassing state of disgustingness.

Fake a Heart Attack

Fine.  So you don’t want to pretend to be a suicide bomber.  You’re not talented enough to pull off an impromptu song and dance number.  Well, shit, you’ve got to do something.  You’re sweaty as fuck right now and people want to know why.  It’s time to pull out the big guns.  You’re going to need to feign a heart attack.

Yep, sounds like a drastic step, but nobody asked you to start Niagara Falling all over the general public.  This is your problem, it’s your responsibility to make it seem normal.

You don’t have to just flail to the ground and start flopping around like fish out of water or anything, just ease into it.  Say you’re at a restaurant waiting for a table to open up.  There is no reason you should be sweating right now, but you are.  Maybe stroll up to the hostess and say something like “hey, does it taste like copper in here to you?”  Of course it doesn’t, it doesn’t “taste” like anything in a room, and besides, only heart attack victims taste copper in their mouth, and she’s not having a heart attack, you are.  But your ridiculous question combined with your unnecessary flop sweat will get her attention.  At that point, clutch your chest and grimace a bit.  You’re going to make a spectacle of yourself, but appearing to be drenched with excitement sweat at the thought of an Outback Special is a spectacle also, just not the kind you want.

With any luck, that cute hostess will be concerned for your well being.  Maybe she’ll ask that you call her to let her know you survived your congenital heart defect.  Or maybe she won’t.  Who cares?  Spewing sweat for no damn reason in public is unsightly as all hell.  Just be happy you got out of there with your dignity still potentially intact.