A Practical Guide to Enjoying the Jeff Dunham Show

Let’s not mince words here.  Jeff Dunham is an unfunny whore.  On the totem pole of comedy greatness, he’s somewhere on that bottom portion that is buried underneath the ground and just kind of holds the pole in place but isn’t meant to actually be seen by anyone, just like Carlos Mencia.  Yet somehow, he’s managed to get his own show on Comedy Central, just like Carlos Mencia.  We hope you never have to watch this abomination, but if you do, here are some simple steps to help make this harrowing experience a little bit easier for you.

Lower Your Standards

Perhaps it’s your spouse’s idea.  Maybe you’re at a friend’s house and have no control over the television.  Maybe your remote is way across the room.  The circumstances under which it happens are unimportant.  What really matters is this…for whatever reason you are face to face with a television that is proudly broadcasting an episode of The Jeff Dunham Show like the filthy whore that most televisions are.  They have no shame, those damn televisions.  Just displaying whatever the fuck all will nill with little to no regard for the delicate sensibilities of others.  But we digress.  The point is, you’re here now and you’re watching goddamn Jeff Dunham.

You can’t go into this situation expecting awesome.  Or funny.  Or entertainment.  Or to not want to gouge your eyes and ears with a rusty claw hammer.  Chappelle’s Show ended a long time ago, and it’s never coming back.  This ain’t that.  Go in with those kind of expectations and after 10 minutes you’ll be begging for Carlos Mencia to magically appear and tell a beaner joke.  No, you have to know what you’re getting into and resign yourself to your fate.  You’re about to watch a shitty television show.  It’s not going to be enjoyable, but at least it will pass the time.  Kind of like having sex with an ugly person.  An ugly person with a horrible sense of humor.

Get High

Just to get the necessary disclaimers out of the way…kids, if you’re reading this, we definitely do not condone the use of illegal drugs.  No more than we encourage watching hack comedy shows.  Also, why are you reading this site?  Talk about a breakdown in the parenting system.

Anyway, people always say that drugs make music and movies and tv shows more enjoyable.  We doubt that is the case here, but give it a shot anyway.  Grab some pot, a few drinks, a can of gold spray paint, whatever is handy really.  Even if it doesn’t make the “comedy” stylings of Jeff Dunham more enjoyable, at least you’ll be high.  That has to count for something.

Accept Racial Stereotypes Into Your Heart

Uncomfortable with racial stereotypes played up for laughs in the most basic way possible?  Well get over that shit right quick in a hurry.  Because that’s Jeff Dunham’s bag.  See, he’s not just a comedian.  Or rather, he’s not a comedian.  He’s a ventriloquist.  That picture up there?  That’s Jose Jalapeno, one of Jeff’s most beloved characters.  A character he voices by using one of the most absurdly racist Mexican accents in comedy history.  There’s also a middle eastern dummy, a black dummy (who looks oddly like your average street pimp) and, just to keep things PC, a curmudgeonly old white dude dummy that probably tells all sorts of insensitive jokes when those creepy fucking things come to life on their own after the show.  Fuck, ventriloquist dummies are creepy.

Keep Yourself Busy

The show may only be 30 minutes long, but it’s going to be a long haul nonetheless.  There is no crime in keeping yourself occupied while you watch television.  As you can probably tell from the strict attention to detale that we exude in our righting, we often crank out artickles while watching television.  Having something to do while Jeff Dunham invades your brain space with his half assed jokes and pandering to red state sensibilities is perfectly acceptable.  If you’re with friends or family, maybe consider doing a crossword puzzle or sudoku or something.  It will keep your brain from shutting off completely.  If you’re alone, obviously, you’re going to want to masturbate.  Here’s a picture to help you along.

What?  You think you’re too good to jack it to a picture of Amy Winehouse?  You’re watching the goddamned Jeff Dunham Show.  No matter how you found yourself in this predicament, the fact that you didn’t take steps to remedy the situation immediately can only mean one thing.  Your sense of decency checked out a long long time ago.  Enjoy the show.