A Practical Guide to Caring For Your Half Goat Half Human Hybrid

There have been some troubling developments recently from Africa, the epicenter of troubling developments.  We’re not talking oppressive racial segregation or brutal genocide (as opposed to the non-brutal kind) here.  It’s far more disturbing than that.  How disturbing?  How about a baby goat born with a human(ish) head?  Does that do anything for you?  Is your disturb-o-meter going apeshit right now?  Yeah, it should be.  If not, check out this picture.

Yeah, not only is that half goat, half human baby; it’s half goat, half jacked-the-fuck-up-in-the-face-encephalitis human baby.  Terrifying.  Officials in Zimbabwe, where this hell creature was spawned, are blaming “evil forces” that caused the goat’s owner to have sex with momma goat.  Historically, people that nail farm animals don’t really worry themselves with safe sex.  Why bother, you know?  What’s the point of covering your joint when at any moment you could take a high velocity hoof to the shin?  All the condoms in the world aren’t going to make a situation like that safe.  So, this was bound to happen sometime.  And now that it has, it’s bound to spread like wildfire.  Who knows?  Maybe one day you’ll find yourself saddled with a hybrid humagoat of your own.  When that happens, you’ll be glad you have this handy guide to steer you through the murky waters of half human half goat hybrid ownership.  Speaking of that, for starters…

Don’t Claim Ownership

If there was one fatal misstep on the part of the man whose goat spawned this freak of nature, it’s that he called the police shortly after the birth.  Within moments, authorities were laying the blame directly on the owner and his evil urges to sex up farm animals.  And for good reason.  Let’s keep it on the up and up here, if you’re in possession of one of these beasts, it means that, at some point in the not too distant past, you banged a goat.  Farm animals don’t just shoot out half humans without a little bit of encouragement.  And by “encouragement” we mean “a hot load of man goo inside them.”  Unless you’re willing to frame someone else for your bestiality, keep your trap shut about where this freak show came from.  That brings us to our second point.

Don’t Brag

Sure, it’s not everyday that something like this falls into your lap.  You have a goddamned goat with a human head.  One of your trusty farm animals gave birth to a Jim Breuer SNL skit.  Your natural inclination will be to shout it from the hills and invite people from lands far and near to come check out this freak of nature in your possession.  Don’t do it!  Just like the guy who called the cops is now an assumed goat raper, so shall you be.  These things don’t fucking grow on trees.  If they did, people would stumble upon them all the time.  Shut your trap, lest you be blamed for bringing this monstrosity into the world.

Don’t Stare Directly Into Its Eyes

Is your half goat half human hybird kind of awesome?  If it’s managed to live more than four hours, then yes, it is.  But the fact remains, this shit ain’t normal.  While you may know the goat half (the goat you had sex with) and the human half (you, the sick freak) on a very intimate level, the fact remains, you have no idea what the result of that most unholy fusion is capable of.  When it comes to regular domestic house pets, it’s usually recommended that you not glare into their eyes in any sort of intense manner, lest your cornea be clawed into oblivion.  The same rules apply here, except ten fold.  This thing has a little bit of man in it (just like its mother did, you nasty fuck), who’s to say it’s going to stop at clawing should you be foolish enough to engage it in a staring contest?  To be on the safe side, keep your eye contact with this thing on a peripheral basis only.

Don’t Try to Teach It Stuff

We really can’t stress this enough.  You ARE NOT dealing with a house pet here.  This is a rogue offshoot of the animal kingdom that happens to have human qualities.  Aside from the inflated head and presumably low self esteem, can you say for certain what other human traits your love beast has going for it?  No, and you know what?  You don’t want to find out.  One minute you’re playing fetch, the next minute, your Humagoat is dragging disembowled hookers into your living room.  After all, it’s half you.  It knows you’re broke and you love the dangerous snatch.  It’s just trying to win your approval.  Your Humagoat is a good boy!  Yes it is!

For the Love of God, Please, Don’t Have Sex With It

Have you forgotten what got us here in the first place?  You had sex with a goat.  Now, we have mutant human/hybrid goats running amok all around this great land and we’ve got a picture of Jon Bon Jovi in this article for no discernible reason at all.  Did we mention you had sex with a goat?  And did we mention that this sex led to a scientific nightmare of apocalyptic proportions?  Yeah, I think we did.  Yet and still, we can tell you are giving it some though.  “Holy shit, it’s as hot as a standard goat, but it has a human face!  I must put my junk in that!”   No, no you must not.   We’ve already seen how that turns out.  Show some restraint, you nasty bitch.  The very safety of the world depends on it.