A Los Angeles Lakers Hater GuideBy Adam Tod Brown
The NBA Finals begin this week and once again, we have a timeless match up on our hands. The Los Angeles Lakers vs. The Boston Celtics. It’s like the 1980′s without the nutcutter shorts. If you’re a fan of either team, it’s a given that you know you’re supposed to absolutely despise the other team. But unless you know your basketball history, you may not know why for sure. This could cause all sorts of problems when drunkenly talking shit about your arch rival.
Well, FunnyCrave is here to help. As part of our continuing Hater Guide series, this week we’ll be presenting both sides of the NBA Finals argument. Check in tomorrow for the definitive guide to hating the Boston Celtics. But today, a Los Angeles Lakers hater guide.
- The Lakers were originally based in Minneapolis but relocated to Los Angeles in 1960 after being forced to flee the midwest amid allegations of point shaving and child molestation.
- The team’s name is derived from Minnesota’s nickname “the land of 10,000 lakes.” They retained the name after relocating because they’re stupid.
- Approximately 50 % of the Los Angeles Lakers fan base consists of Hollywood celebrities hoping to appear more masculine in the face of fierce homosexuality rumors.
- Another 37% consists of people from other areas of the United States who have such shitty self esteem that the only way to compensate is to claim that they “have been a Lakers fan for life” every time Kobe Bryant hits a game winning shot.
- Those people also make up 96% of the Duke Blue Devils fan base.
- FYI…Jack Nicholson hasn’t made a good movie in decades.
- If you think Kobe Bryant is better than Michael Jordan, fuck you.
- Kobe Bryant actually does know how Shaquille O’Neal’s ass tastes.
- When not taking 108 shots per game, Kobe Bryant enjoys spending time with his smoking hot wife, forcing sodomy on hotel employees and hoping people forget that he once recorded a rap song with Tyra Banks.
- 32 division titles
- 31 conference titles
- 16 NBA championships
- 51 “most womanly team colors in sports” titles