A Day in the Life of Ted William’s Severed HeadBy Ian Fortey
In case you haven’t heard, cryogenic freezing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Just ask Ted Williams, whose head has apparently suffered untold indignities at the lab where its houses, by a group of people who are either collectively sociopathic, or on some of the most nefarious meds a human can take. Gotta be something to account for mounting a severed head on a can of tuna.
According to a new book called Frozen about the lab where Williams and others looking for a cure for decapitation are held, your body gets treated worse at this place than at an Indian restaurant.
In order to get to the bottom of what went on, we went straight to the source, and pilfered some pages from Ted Williams’ head’s diary. We have connections.
7:00am – Ahh, new day. Feels good.
8:00am – Someone’s cutting my head off. Seems unfortunate. Likely the people of tomorrow will have an extra hard time curing this.
9:00am – No breakfast. Just as well, head no longer connected. Jaw stiff. I used to be famous, this seems like a bit of bullshit to me.
10:00am – Frozen now. Cryogenically. Very cold. Headache. Maybe due to cold. Maybe due to decapitation. Maybe due to lab techs drilling holes in my skull to insert microphones so they could listen to my brain freeze. What the fuck does a freezing brain sound like anyway?
11:00am – Is that a tuna can? Must mean lunch. Sweet.
11:15am – Mounted on tuna can now. Bumblebee tuna, I think. Hard to look down and confirm. Curious. Seems somewhat unprofessional, but I’m no doctor. Isn’t there some rule about flesh on really cold metal? Hard to remember, possibly due to holes in head.
12:00pm – Definitely not supposed to be mounted on tuna can. Lab tech used monkey wrench to bat can off. Missed. Sprayed pieces of my frozen head across the room. Likely this will be another setback for future generations trying to cure me.
1:00pm – Placed in steel tube next to some boxes of garbage. Fuck me, how much did this cost?