Celebrity sex tapes are as prevalent as the movies the celebs star in, the albums they release, the magazine covers they adorn, and, in some cases, the nothing they are famous for. We as a nation of masturbators that are no longer restrained by the stuffy constraints of having to angle a picture of a celeb just right as to catch the vague glimpse of a nipple have been spoiled. We now take the viewing of a celebrity engorging themselves on cocaine and dick for granted.

This is why today I will dawn my critical cape as I critique some of the most popular celebrity sex tapes, in hopes of fostering in a new and wondrous era of highly innovative and sexually thought provoking amateur celebrity pornography.

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One Night In Paris

Right off the bat we are greeted with the underwhelming sight of Paris Hilton’s bare breasts. Paris’ breasts lack a certain charisma that a great deal of breasts in the porn industry posses. While the argument can be made that this is a plus as it brings a more “real” aspect in to the video, one that sets it apart from the world of mainstream porn, for me, it seems to sully the taboo experience of watching a celebrity sex tape. What’s so taboo about seeing a pair of boobs on a celebrity that are so indistinguishable from any other set of boobs that I couldn’t pick them out of a police lineup of boobs after I was physically accosted by some boobs in a Denny’s parking lot?

The general atmosphere of the video is one of boredom. Paris couldn’t seem less interested in the sex she was having. She has the personality and enthusiasm of a dying weed poking out of the cracks of a vacant lot. Her bump and grind rhythm patterns suggest she’s having sex just to pass the time, because in 20 minutes there’s going to be out on the floor of a dance club pretending that people actually want to be around her. And her oral sex skills are severely lacking. Paris Hilton giving head is eerily reminiscent of a plumber trying to plunge the clog out of a toilet with the plunger in his mouth – it’s jerky, uncoordinated, and there’s a lot of struggling; as if the mighty forces of the penis were putting up a fight.

Overall, this video gets 3 out of 10

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Kim Kardashian and Ray J

I firmly believe calling this sex tape the “Kim Kardashian Sex Tape” is setting yourself up for a disappointment. The tape should be called “The one where Ray J eye-fucks the home viewer,” as the video is about 23% sex and 77% Ray J pointing the camera at his own face as he bites his lip and mugs as if he were a prison inmate expressing his dominance over his newly appointed bitch. As such, I will be focusing this critique more on Ray J than anything else. But first, some words on Kim’s performance.

Kim’s sexual technique is less like a woman enjoying the act of sex and more like a mannequin being molested by pervert in a Macy’s storage room. Where Paris seemed to be mobile; Kim seems to have been shot in the neck with a tranquilizer dart. To put it another way, it’s like a lifeless slab of beef is being poked by a police officer’s baton.

The strange part about the video is how manufactured it feels. The dialogue is forced, and Kim’s vocal cadence really doesn’t help as every time she says “Oh, baby!” or “I’m exploding!” it sounds like one of Kim’s mentally deficient sisters is off to the side entertaining herself by slowly releasing the air from a balloon.

Right next to the manufactured feel in terms of strangeness is Ray J himself. His penis seems to have an issue with staying in place, almost like it can defy the laws of gravity, or it’s filled with helium. I would suggest he tie a brick to his penis to weigh it down. But the peak of his creepiness comes when he has Mrs. Kardashian laid on her stomach as he trusts away. During this segment, Ray J refuses to move his lips from Kim’s cheek, so it kind of looks like a scene out of A Christmas Story, with Ray J as Ralphie and Kim as the frozen pole. Then, towards the end of the video, Ray J grabs Kim by the face and turns her head back in the very same way that a psychopath that’s whispering something badass in to the ear of his victim does just before he snaps their neck.

Overall, this video gets a 4 out of 10

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Chyna and X-Pac

This tape’s mere existence is reason enough to give it the 1 out of 10 that I’m going to give it.

The video’s production values are shit. It’s almost as if it were being filmed through a 12^th grade photography class student’s pinhole camera attached to a View-Master. It’s so bad that in the opening moments, while Chyna struggles to pull off X-Pac’s leather pants, for some reason it looks like X-Pac has Mick Foley’s disheveled head for a penis.

Imagine this between a man's legs

Much like Kim Kardashian’s voice, Chyna’s is high-pitched and whiney, only worse. Once the sex begins, it sounds like X-Pac is having a 4-way that includes himself, Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.  And X-Pac’s voice isn’t much better, either. The poor guy sounds like he has some terrible nasal issues, so whenever there’s a moment of silence that’s only filled with those horny little things we all mumble under our breaths during moments of passion, X-Pac sounds like a kid silently smacking his cake frosting-covered lips in the corner of a room.

Of course, no conversation about the Chyna sex tape is complete without some kind of comment in regards to Chyna’s man-sized clit, that often times rivals X-Pac’s penis for pubic superiority. But, really, I don’t think I have much to add that other people haven’t already said. So I’m just going to sum up all opinions on it by saying this:

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

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Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee

This is the sex tape that sparked an entire generation of sex tapes. It’s legendary, but also flawed. For starters, any sexiness inherent in Pamela Anderson getting plugged is completely wrecked every time Tommy Lee expresses his excitement for sexual gratification in the same way that a 6-year-old boy from the early 90s celebrates his dad taking him to get ice cream: “YES! YES! YES! THIS IS SO RAD!”

One thing the video became famous for is Tommy Lee’s penis size.  When it first makes an appearance, Tommy whips it out while the couple are in the car. If you had only showed me that one clip of Tommy waggling his dong around as he drove without any proper context, I would have figured I was looking at a pregnant woman drive a car as her unborn child reached out of the womb for some early driving lessons. The old saying of “It’s like a baby’s arm holding an apple!” doesn’t really apply here, though, because it’s more like a baby’s arm holding an out of shape 45-year-old sales rep for a printer supply company.

The camera work is shaking and a bit nauseating. I would have thought I was watching Cloverfield if it weren’t for the comparatively excellent dialogue:

Pam: I love you, baby!

Tommy: I Love you, too, baby! Yes! So fucking RAD!

(Repeat until the word “baby” looses all meaning and you start to question the very existence of words)

Half of the video is Tommy’s sickly body looking like it’s about to topple over from the structurally un-sound weight of his penis, and the other half is sex. In order to perform oral on Tommy, Pamela has to dawn a special kind of protective eyewear as to not detach her retains or obliterate her corneas with shear mass of Tommy’s penis. Some call them “sunglasses” but I call them “anti-ocular detachment spectacles.”

As for the sex, well, there isn’t much to say about it. It’s sex. Nothing out of the ordinary. The camera work during it could have been better, seeing as it looked like they were having sex in the back of a station wagon as it got flung from the jaws of King Kong, but other than that, meh.

Overall, this video is a 5 out of 10