A Church’s Book Burning Celebration Will Include the Bible; Universe Implodes

Having a good, old fashioned book burning is a pretty stupid thing to do. I’m not even talking about that in an intellectual sense; just in a practical sense. Sure, you may be able to burn the three copies of The Catcher and the Rye that exist in your intelligence devoid town of 800, but there’s probably millions of copies still floating around in people’s homes, copies waiting to be shipped out of some Amazon.com warehouse, and probably about 10 copies sitting on a shelf at your local book store. This incredibly stupid idea is only being made stupider when the literature you’re burning is the foundation of your reasoning for burning books in the first place.

A Baptist church in the intellectual breeding ground that is North Carolina is going to throw a huge book burning bash where they will be torching the works of Mother Teresa, the Pope, various country music artists and all non-King James versions of the Bible. Why? Because they’re crazy. Also because of a specific passage in Holy Scripture, Acts 19:18-20, which goes a little something like this:

“And many that believed, came and confessed and shewed their deeds. Many of them also which used curious arts, brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed.”

We’re no Biblical scholars here at Funny Crave, but that passage sounds more like an anti-consumerism message then a “Fuck everything that isn’t my version of the bible” message. And, as a side note, that passage just proves how retarded people in biblical times were. Rather than burn the books and rejoice in how much the books cost, they should have sold them all on whatever the biblical equivalent of E-Bay was and made themselves a cool fifty thousand pieces of silver. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CRUCIFIXES THAT COULD HAVE BOUGHT?!

Some of the versions of the bible they are burning include:

The Green Bible, because it’s a slightly different take on the bible of old in that it focuses more on the word of God and how it pertains to the earth, and how we should protect it. The N.C. church probably hates it because the earth is filled with dirt and trees. Dirt and trees are a pagan thing; therefore, fuck the Green Bible.

The Evidence Bible, because it’s basically just the King James Version, but with some slightly updated language. Also, because Kirk Carmon is in it and that guy sucks. And another reason we came up with as we researched to find out just what the fuck the Evidence Bible even is, the Amazon.com “About the Author” section starts off like this: “The Alpha and Omega. The great I Am. Creator of all that ever was, is, and shall be. King of Kings, Lord of Lords, and the One to Whom every knee shall bow.” That’s a pretty douchey way to describe yourself as an author.

The Message Bible, because, like the Evidence Bible, it is made up entirely of updated language. It’s still the same message (gays are going to hell, women should be subservient, evolution can suck it, etc.), just with modern words. So, instead of  “You shall not commit adultery,” it’s probably more like, “Don’t go fucking around on your wife, Nigga”. Everyone knows that today’s English is sooooo butchered and watered down that if God were around today he would have been a big grammar Nazi, and a real stickler for the preservation of tradition.