80’s Cartoons that Should be Movies

Did you grow up in the 80’s?  Don’t answer that, no one is actually listening.  But whatever the answer, the fact is the 80’s produced some of the greatest cartoons of all time – Transformers, GI Joe, other shit.  It’s undeniable.  And these cartoons were then taken by unskilled filmmakers and made into substandard, big budget movies that pure suck.  And make no mistake, the shit rain isn’t going to end with lame excuses to show Megan Fox’s ass, oh no.  So let’s peruse what the inept of Hollywood haven’t butchered yet (or at least recently) and see what can be done with it.

Care Bears – The perennial favorite of children with parents who abuse drugs, Care Bears was about a group of magical space bears (or some shit) who forced others to love and be good come hell or high water.  This show had more hippie imagery and bullshit psychology per square inch than any other cartoon had even dreamed of.

A feature film adaptation could easily be tackled, perhaps by M Night Shyamalan, in which M. Night himself portrays Zeus or some shit and the bears, either CGI or live action black bears, square off against Brian Cox as the leader of a sinister corporation that inexplicably manufactures pollution and nothing else.  The twist at the end is that Shyamalan is also Jesus and James Bond.  As well as Zeus.

GoBots – Retarded cousins of the Transformers, Go Bots was basically the exact same thing as the Transformers if everything, and I mean everything, was two degrees more retarded.  Character names, voice acting, backstory, artwork, everything was a shade more retarded.

The natural choice for a feature film adaptation to counter the Michael Bay juggernaut is Uwe Boll.  Boll hates Michael Bay and, because the source material sucks so fucking bad, no one will care if he ends up making it into a movie about a talking toaster that wants to fuck Jenna Elfman.

Gummi Bears – This show didn’t make any sense at all, but it was Disney so it didn’t matter.  Basically it was about talking bears that lived in a medieval setting that also got high on this juice that let them bounce like they were made of rubber.  Honestly, that’s as deep as the story ever got.

As a movie, this would need a gritty, Batman Begins style reboot.  So maybe David Fincher could whip something up, and instead of Gummi Berry Juice, it can just be some kind of ultra smooth heroin the bears freebase before losing their shit.

Hulk Hogan’s Rockin’ Wrestling – Probably the awesomest cartoon of not just the 80’s, but of ever, this featured “good wrestlers” against “bad wrestlers” and Hulk Hogan was voiced by the Frankensteinian brother from Everybody Loves Raymond.

The live action film version of this requires careful casting choices.  Naturally I have done the work already;

• Hulk Hogan – Gerard Butler
• Junkyard Dog – Ving Rhames
• Jimmy Snuka – Lou Diamond Phillips
• Andre the Giant – Jonah Hill
• Captain Lou – Brian Cox
• Tito Santana – Santana
• Hillbilly Jim – Larry the Cable Guy
• Rowdy Roddy Piper – Ewan McGregor
• The Iron Sheik – The Iron Sheik
• Nikolai Volkoff – Vinnie Jones
• Mr. Fuji – Jackie Chan
• Big John Studd – Dolph Lundgren
• Mean Gene – David Cross
• The Fabulous Moolah – Charlize Theron