7000 Calorie Salads Destroy the Internet

The internet is perhaps the most amazing place on Earth and it’s not even on Earth, man.  It’s virtual!  It’s housed in Keanu Reeves’ brain and the wishes of children and like 6 factories that are built in the clouds above Japan where everyone has to be either nude or in saran wrap and all the fish tanks contain squid for some reason, it’s fucking insane.

With that in mind, it should come as no surprise that the community of virtual folks online (that’s you and me and the cast of Lord of the Rings who read their own imdb page to make sure people still like them) can be the most spiteful or squid-porn obsessed clique you’ll ever come across.  The people on the internet can be worse than a troupe of catty highschool cheerleaders who rule their school with a designer-label iron fist and only put out for the quarterback of the football team but only when they’re voted prom queen and if the uppity new girl who likes to hangs out with the outcast nerds after rejecting the cruel ways of the cheerleader bitches even gets nominated for prom queen, as unlikely a scenario as that would be, then goddamn anyone who gets in their way because there’s no way she’s winning and she certainly isn’t going to date Chad because Chad is my boyfriend so fuck you, geek girl!

Anyway, point is the internet has this thing called “viral” because the internet and those on it are often like a sickness.  Once something is “viral” it’s basically everyone.  Everyone tells everyone else and they stop trying to hump squid long enough to watch this viral thing.  Today’s viral thing is this video of a large woman making a heart stoppingly insane macaroni awful.

To clarify, by large we mean fat.  This woman has likely packed away a good number of these salads.  Or she has a thyroid condition, the condition being she injects her thyroid with mayo.

Since the internet is like a six year old child, this woman had no hope of trudging through its murk unscathed.  A fat person making an unhealthy salad is the kind of thing the internet gets.  It hit the internet in the face and the internet said “Holy shit, fatty has a fat salad!” and now it’s everywhere on the internet.  Like someone fucking a Care Bear or a bald man in a diaper, this sort of video appeals to the sensibilities of the internet community by offering up something that can be easily mocked, even if its in the most childish and shameful fashion.

That aside, this chick puts a can of sweetened condensed milk, a cup of sugar and a whole jar of mayo in the salad.  All it’s missing is a pound of bacon and then a second pound of bacon as a garnish.