Time was, if you wanted to learn how to do something, you had to know a guy or buy a book or something.  What a crock of shit that was.  Nowadays, whatever you need to learn, you can probably learn on the internet.  And when you search for that advice, rest assured, someone (in this case, seobook.com) is collecting that data and turning it into reference material for articles like this.  Seriously people, there are some things you shouldn’t (or shouldn’t have to) rely on the internet to teach you.  For example…

How To Give Head

Christ almighty, ladies!  Or gentlemen!  Far be it from us to suggest that learning proper BJ techniques is anything less than a noble pursuit, but is the internet really the ideal place to learn?  What happened to the days of yore when your slutty friend would use a banana or a popsicle or a chair leg to show you the proper way to put on a filet show?  We’re going to chalk this up as an indictment of the internet and what it has done to socializing.  Nobody has real friends anymore, just online buddies.  If we are to reclaim the glory of blowjobs past, those buddies need to get webcams and cucumbers and spread the good word.

How To Have Sex

Hey speaking of indictments, remember sex education class?  Sure you do!  It taught you all you needed to know about which hole was optimized for insertion of your junk by way of reel to reel videos from the 1950′s and dolls that teetered on the brink of disintegration from excessive fondling.  That was until the “moral majority” dug their heels into the public school system.  Goodbye free condoms and football coaches warning against the evils of syphilis, hello abstinence education and internet searches for how to have sex.  Thanks, Conservatives!

How To Decorate a Red Wagon For a Wedding

Now just what the fuck is this all about?  We like to think that the type of backwoods Daughtry fans who would need a red wagon in their wedding don’t really make it to the internet much.  Apparently, we’re wrong.  We did a little research and…ok, that’s a lie, we didn’t research it at all.  What the hell is the point of the wagon?  If it has anything to do with involving something that can’t walk in the actual wedding, cut that shit out.  Your unnecessary pageantry is holding up your already impatient guests from getting to the reception, which is in turn holding up the promise of post-reception sex and, in the big scheme of things, this little red wagon is holding up the inevitable divorce that both of you will welcome with open arms in about seven years.  Ditch the wagon, let’s get this pain train rolling already!

How To Get A Dog To Mount You

No, internet!  Goddammit!  No!  You are not searching for ways to get a dog to mount you!  Not anymore!  Not while we’re browsing the same internet as you!  We are all citizens of the world.  Some would go so far as to say we’re all one big family.  That means, in a really far fetched sort of way, we’re all related to a bunch of people perusing the internet looking for the most effective means of getting a dog to tap that ass.  Stop it.  Now.

How To Attract An Aries Man

You see that fruity picture up there?  It’s one of the first things that popped up when we searched for “Aries.”  And honestly, it couldn’t be more disheartening.  It’s already a foregone conclusion that those chicks you beat off to on the internet are way out of your league, but what about those kind of geeky chicks that you sometimes run into while you’re playing World of Warcraft or some shit?  They don’t want you either.  They want a man.  A Real Man.  A suede boot wearing, sparkly winged Aries man!  Enjoy your celibacy.

How To Make A Spear

You know, it’s not that people are searching for ways to make a potentially lethal weapon that confuses us here.  Searches for “how to make a pipe bomb” are off the charts.  Nobody would be surprised by that.  There are some batshit citizens out there, and without internet downloaded pipe bomb diagrams strewn to and fro around their apartment, the FBI might not even realize how crazy these people are when they show up to interrogate them for threatening Al Green on the internet or whatever those loons do.  Searching for pipe bomb instructions are really just a call for help, if anything.

But searching for how to make a spear?  Well that’s just retarded.  It’s a stick.  A sharp stick.  Find a heavy stick, sharpen it and hurl it at a jungle cat.  There are your instructions, in one sentence.  Making a working spear is rivaled only by Pop Tarts and bottled water when it comes to user friendliness.  Is it the ornamentation that is tripping people up?  Because that shit really isn’t necessary.  A sharp stick will impale a man no matter the amount of feathers stapled to it.  We don’t need to involve Google in this activity at all.

How To

Soooo, that’s it?  People are just searching for “how to?”  While it certainly opens up a world of learning opportunities, we’d be lying if we said we weren’t a little worried about the people conducting these searches.  Is it some obnoxious thrill seeker hoping to get the most out of life by learning some new high flying activity?

Maybe, but what if it’s some lonely, 40 year old virgin type who has lived with momma his whole life?  What if momma just died and now he’s left with absolutely no knowledge of how to perform the most menial tasks in life?  Do we really want the internet picking up the slack here?  This guy needs to learn how to iron his pants, not how to fashion assless chaps out of twist ties and roadkill.

Searching for “how to” should absolutely result in some local agency being notified to perform a well being check.  If you need that much invaluable information at one time, chances are you’re in a world of hurt.  You don’t have to hurt alone.  There are people ready to help.  Maybe you should Google them, you creepy weirdo.