7 Gifts Douchebags Buy For Christmas

Do you know a douche?  Are you a douche?  Sometimes it’s hard to tell.  Sometimes you (or they) have the bets intentions when it’s time to get Christmas shopping done and then, out of nowhere, your thyroid starts producing vinegar and water in epic quantities until your entire body is stewing in douche and you have no choice but to buy terrible gifts for friends and family.  Gifts like these things;

Gift Cards – Funnycrave feels bad listing this, as probably everyone, everywhere has purchased at least one gift card before.  We give our interns gift cards do Der Weinershnitzel.  And right there is where the douche comes in.  You can maaaybe skip away from being an ass by giving a Best Buy gift card, maybe.  Maybe.  But there’s also an awesome chance you’re going to give a gift card to the Cheese Shack or Bob’s Big and Tall or some other equally useless as shit store, saying to your giftee “Hey, I have no idea what to get you, but I’m pretty sure it was in this one store and only this store.  Go buy it for yourself.”

Self Help Books – We’re going to include diet books in this category as well, or low fat cookbooks, or anything Dr. Phil has ever written.  Each one of these gifts says “Hey friend, you have a flaw that is both extremely obvious and apparently beyond your ability to rectify on your own.  Maybe this book will fix you.”

Sweaters – No one wants a fucking sweater.

Fragrance – This has one out – if the person requested a specific product and you go out and get it for them, reducing you to errand boy.  If you elect to buy a perfume or cologne on your own with no input from the person you’re buying for, there’s an 80% chance the person in question is going to be utterly disgusted and assume you think they stink, which you apparently do or else why buy them a smell to cover it up?

Affordable Booze – A bottle of Thunderbird doesn’t make a good gift.  And despite what liquor merchants would have you believe, a reasonably priced Merlot doesn’t make a good gift either.  They’re just saying that because they want your money.  A $30 bottle of wine is an expensive bottle of Thunderbird.  It says you took the time to walk to the corner store and you wanted to get shitfaced, so you picked up a second bottle so your friend could get shitfaced too.

Joke Gifts – Yeah, it’s odd that Funnycrave is making fun of this idea, we’re pretty much the sort of people who keep whoopee cushions and those plastic reindeer that poop jellybeans in business, but we’re also aware enough to understand how terrible those are as gifts.  A good joke gift is a double dildo or midget porn that your friend or loved one will open in front of a crowd, ideally with their parents present.  A bad joke gift is a can of nuts with a snake in it.  Hell, a can of nuts with nuts in it is a shitty gift, too.

The Same Gift – When you have no idea what to buy a person, the human brain begins to writhe and twist in the most ridiculous of ways until you develop a weird kind of gift tunnel vision.  The result of this?  One of our staffers got the same gift three years in a row from his aunt – a wicker heart with a teddy bear in it.  And he was a grown ass man.  What the fuck?

Whatever your gift, even if it’s awesome (though it will not have been awesome, it never is) do not give it to the same person again.