6 Things The World Is Doing To Accommodate Your Fat AssBy Luis Prada
There are two kinds of fat people in this world. There are those that are clinically overweight but are still mobile and their larger size simply makes them look like normal, everyday full figured folks. And then there are those that look like an avalanche made of gelatinized human flesh that was magically frozen in time as a warning to all that dare eat that last donut.
There are a fuckton of people in that second category out there, probably far more than you think. So many, in fact, that the world has been, for a while now, producing products and creating new services just to make these walking cellulite deposits happy, while at the same time, making sure they are completely aware of just huge they truly are.
The Bottom Buddy
When you are so large that your arms hang off your torso like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s, wiping your butthole after a vigorous poop is something of a chore, or even, in some cases, a near impossibility. But just when you’ve lost all hope of cleaning yourself up after you’ve dropped off the equivalent weight of a mini-van loaded with soccer playing children in to the toilet, in comes the Bottom Buddy to tackle the mess that is hidden beneath your unctuous folds.
The Bottom Buddy, what with its alien-like three fingered claw, grabs hold of your toilet tissue and refuses to let go until it has troughed through the hellish landscape that is your somewhat engorged anus and come out on the other side victorious, if not in need of intense psychiatric counseling. In other words, the Bottom Buddy is like a back scratcher that you might be able to pass off as an actual back scratcher to your enemies.
As with most products whose usage is a little bit on the scatological side, the Bottom Buddy attempts to fancify its purpose with flowery language that could have come straight out of a Jane Austin novel. A good example of this is found in the description of the aforementioned alien fingered claw which is described as “3 tulip-petal sections.” This is all well and good until you finally just face the harsh fact that the Bottom Buddy is like E.T. trying to fist you with a shit stick.
Shoe stretchers are an understandable product. Sometimes a brand new handcrafted leather shoe needs to be widened a touch to break them in and create the perfect fit. But if the speed in which your ass expands is faster than your incoming cash flow, then buying a larger pair of pants every couple of months may not be financially feasible. For a simple 30 dollars on Amazon, you can buy a contraption that removes all personal responsibility by allowing you to extend the life of your leg wear by extending the pants’ fabric well beyond its manufactured intent.
The stretcher, which promises one to five inches of girthy extra space, is placed within the dampened waistband of the pant. Then, you just set the stretcher to the proper size and let it work its magic for a day or so while you go back to sucking Twinkie filling through a straw, or wolfing down your deep fried lard logs.
The best part of it all is that you don’t have to face the fact that you probably have a serious problem!
Great John Toilet
When you sit on your toilet, do you feel as though the very foundation upon which the toilet is built upon is giving way under you as if you were taking a shit while seated on an upright baseball bat?
Apparently, this question got a resounding “Yes!” from far too many people, because the Great John Toilet Company in Laredo, Texas has created a toilet with a reinforced structure that can support up to 2,000 pounds. 2,000 POUNDS OF HUMAN ASS!
But that’s not all. The Great John claims to provide 150% more contact with the seat. Seeing as how reaching any percentage above 100% is a baffling concept to us, getting 150% more ass on to the seat sounds like an inordinate and rather excessive amount of ass to be placing on anything. If your ass is, at all times, 100% of your ass (assuming that there are no large chucks of it hanging around anywhere else), then shouldn’t the seat be guaranteed to cover 100% of your ass? Thereby, making a regular toilet seat cover only 50% of your ass? And, if it’s 150%, does that mean its covering ass fat plus back and love-handle rolls?
Well, yes, for that last question because the Great John also sports some nifty “Side Wings” to gently cradle your hanging meat drapes so they don’t get pinched between your crushing weight, the lid and the bowl.
New Ambulances in Australia
You know humans are getting too fat when a new thing-a-ma-jig that is designed for humans is released with the words “mega-lift” in its name.
Earlier this year, Australian emergency workers found that they were transporting an increasingly larger amount of heavy people. Some of these heavy people were so heavy they were actually putting a strain on the ambulance. Apparently, these giant vehicles with the loading capacity of backyard sheds were being crushed under the weight of human blubber.
To combat this, Australia purchased 5 new “mega-lift” ambulances that could carry all of the items and people necessary to save a person, plus a saved person that weights more than 390 pounds (of which, there seems to be a lot of in Australia).
The best part about this story is the reporting of the story in The Australian, Australia’s “Online Newspaper of the Year.” As you will see by clicking…wait for it….here, The Australian subtly splits the article in half: the first half starts off with the headline, the 5 new ambulances for the obese. Then, smack in the middle of the article, they dramatically change gears and talk about everything else the new vehicles can do that is in no way related to the emergency transport of fat people. It’s even written in the voice of a guy telling you something he thinks is totally awesome, only to discover about halfway through that he should have never even opened his mouth:
“The ambulances, which cost $280,000 each, are mainly used to transport people who weigh more than 180 kilograms or whose girth is too large for a normal ambulance stretcher.”
The very next sentence…
“They are, however, multipurpose and can be used by medical retrieval teams and for counter terrorism operations.”
The article then goes on to talk about the fancy new GPS navigation that comes standard with the vehicles. It does this at great length, and with as much depth as a person trying to you distract you from the horrible bit of info they let loose from their lips. It’s like telling your mom you killed a hooker, then, with the wide-open eyes of horrifying realization, segueing in to a treatise on the advantages and pitfalls of zucchini farming.
Charging Fat People Extra For Airline Seats
Okay, this one isn’t so much a “service” as it is a disenfranchisement, but who cares? It still falls under the banner of the world adapting to people whose scales read like box office tallies.
In 1954, a time when all flight attendants were “stewardesses,” and all “stewardesses” were extremely sexy globe trotters (instead of today’s haggard she-trolls), men in the United States were an average weight of 166 pounds. Women of the same time were an average of 140 pounds. The average airline seat was 17 inches wide.
Fast forward to today. The average weight of a modern man is 28 pounds heavier then he was in 1954, and the average female is now 24.5 pounds heavier; but the average United Airlines seat is still 17 inches wide. This means that there are legions of gargantuan people attempting to shimmy their sacks of superfluous human meat in-between two armrests that are begging you to put some sort of mercy bullet to their cushion-y heads.
The only semi-viable solution to this problem is charging customers that cannot fit in a seat unless they raise they armrest a little bit extra. If they must raise the arm rest to fill the seat, they will then be charged the price of two seats, what with the gelatinous spillover and all.
Of course, there are larger people all around the North America getting themselves in a big huff over the entire situation, and for good reason. Charging customers for an extra seat isn’t really the best solution to the problem. If an extra seat is available on a given flight, JetBlue, American, and US Airways will happily handover a free open seat to those that need it. In the same vein, Air Canada (who was one of the first airlines to charge fat people for a second seat) was forced by the Canadian Supreme Court (which is a lot like a real Supreme Court but with silly accents, Maple Leaf’s jerseys, and Don Cherry) forced them to treat obese passengers as disabled passengers. Being officially viewed as “disabled” in the eyes of an entire company probably isn’t quite the win you were looking for is it, fat people?
Once your gross life-long tryst with processed and chemically altered foods finally reaches its inevitable gurgle-y conclusion, you will be dead from it. Assuming that your family doesn’t go all “What’s eating Gilbert Grape?” on your corpse and sets you fire, they’re going to need to do something with your body. Preferably, nothing sexual; although, we hear there is a market out there for that kind of thing.
So after hours of your family trying to decided whether they should cremate you; or burry you; or sell your dead, extra bloated corpse to the highest bidding necrophiliac, in comes the Goliath Casket to save your chest from getting a few extra holes in it.
But let’s just get one thing straight here: Your dignity doesn’t die along with you; it dies the moment your family has to shove you in a Goliath casket. It dies because trying to shove your huge goddamn dead weight in to a regular casket is like trying to cram an éclair in to a tube of tooth paste — It’s oozy, mushy, and futile (which, by the way, is probably also a very good description of the life you led).
The Goliath caskets come in 3 styles: Harvest, Heartland, and Homestead. The Homestead model, as the name implies, is fucking huge. The width of a single homestead varies from 37″ wide, to 48″. But the Pièce de résistance of the collection – the casket that could safely house many homeless men — is the 52” wide casket. Just to give you some perspective on this behemoth of a death box, the average width of a compact pickup’s flatbed is 50”. Your dead body resting eternally in the dirt will be the girthy equivalent of a compact pickup careening off of a cliff, plummeting 800 feet, and then burying itself in the dirt with its own velocity.