6 Horrific Things People Ingest As Aphrodisiacs

I’ll get right to the point here; if you want to get laid by using food, either use lobster or chocolate. Lobster is expensive, and impresses women, either because they are shallow or just appreciate the financial sacrifice you made to give them a nice dinner. Chocolate, on the other hand, is like crack for women. That is not a sexist statement; I have met several men that didn’t like chocolate, but not a single woman or girl. Not one.

There are other parts of this planet where men appear to have missed this little nugget of information. Who knows, maybe South East Asia doesn’t have chocolate and islands off of Italy lack giant bottom feeding sea bugs. Who am I to judge? No one, that’s who. Judge for yourself after reading this list, because honestly, I have never wanted to get laid bad enough to ingest anything remotely resembling these supposedly boner-inducing edible horrors.

6) Ambergris

Ambergris (amber-gree) is the waxy discharge a male sperm whale creates in its guts when the beaks of the hundreds of squid it eats cause indigestion. Because some scientists have nothing better to do than contemplate this kind of shit, it is contested whether they cough it up or crap it out. It floats around on top of the ocean for days or weeks, the longer the better, until it washes up on a shore somewhere, and some “lucky” person finds it and sells it. It joins a long list of disgusting crap that people put in perfume, along with musk sacks from oxen and skunks. It is apparently the ingredient in Chanel No. 5 that makes it so long lasting and intoxicating, and I am willing to grant you that anything that was worn by Marilyn Monroe likely smelled awesome by association.

But, since we are here discussing things people eat, I will share with you that people used to put this in food. You know how sometimes you eat something that doesn’t quite sit well with your innards, so later that day your ass turns into a fountain of chocolate, only it more resembles re-fried beans fired out of a tube of toothpaste? This is the sperm whale equivalent, and people would put it in food as a means to coax a woman into opening her flower for them. I tell you what, if you find a woman who gets turned on by eating petrified whale shit, I say marry her. Then keep her inside so that no one ever sees her again, because I don’t want the whale-poop-fetish woman accidentally touching me. Also, it is apparently divine in eggs, but renders fried eggs not too good with bacon.

If it ruins bacon, then it is pure evil, but then, I can’t imagine excrement being good with anything, bacon and sex being near the top of this of things ruined by it.

5) Spanish Fly

Most everyone these days knows Spanish Fly is bullshit. It used to be sold in men’s restrooms in little tubes that probably contained sewer water and hobo spittle, but it really was a thing people used to use to get laid. The name comes from a type of blister beetle, not a fly, because people who think ground up beetle makes you horny are stupid. The genuine article actually does induce a sort of “arousal”, but not the fun kind.

It causes what’s called a priapsim, which is essentially a painful boner that won’t go away. There is a very fine line between “boner” and “poisoned” with ground sex beetle, so you have to watch your dose. Also, Spanish flydoes nothing to a woman, so slipping your lady an insect mickey in the hopes of getting her in the mood could probably end up killing her.

4) Snake Wine

The name here really sounds like something you would find next to MD 20/20 at your local grocery store, but the reality is actually as awful as the name sounds. There are two types: steeped and mixed. With mixed, they put snake fluids (blood and whatever else constitutes “fluid” in a snake) into rice wine and mix it up like the a cocktail from the lizard lounges of Hell. Steeped looks like a still photo of a snake charmer soaked in alcohol.

Snake wine distillers (if such a thing can even be said) prefer to have poisonous snakes soaked in booze, so that their “essence” and “poison” can soak into the wine. The Chinese believe it can invigorate you and act as a restorative. They also believe burning tiger pelts will rid your home of centipedes, so take it with a grain of salt. Although it is listed as an aphrodisiac, I could not find a single source that even tried to tackle how it works, although I assume that since it is pure grain alcohol, that might have an influence in making people randy. On the other hand, the other ingredients seem to be geared toward negating the obvious sex-inducing properties of booze, especially “snake bile wine.” (It’s made with gall bladders!)

3) Balut 

Somewhere in Asian history “horror” was designated a desirable ingredient, and an entire cuisine was born. Balut is the Filipino name for a dish where a duck egg is fertilized, and shortly before it is ready to hatch, it is murdered in boiling water and eaten. Its delightfully crunchy, like an aborted Dorito, and like everything else on this list, is supposed to get your libido rockin’. I have to tell you, I think these might be working; after four entries of things that have caused me to choke back vomit while talking about sex, I am starting to associate fucking with gagging. That may be a tough sell to my wife.

Where in the eastern world you eat your duck fetus determines your preference for the little critter’s development. In Philippines, they like their baby humpin’ ducks underdeveloped, with no beaks or real bones yet, while in Vietnam, they prefer little Daffy to be just days away from uttering its first quack. Who knows? In the eastern hemisphere, maybe eating babies puts you in the mood to make them.

2) Casu Marzu 

There are few more perfect foods than cheese. Short of putting shit in it (there’s probably ambergris cheese out there, just to fuck things up for me), there is little one can do to screw up something as universal as cheese. I introduce you to casu marzu, otherwise known as “Cheese, fucked up by maggots.” It starts off as regular Pecorino cheese, then they encourage “cheese flies” to lay eggs on it. Their thousands of eggs hatch and then start burrowing through the cheese, digesting the fat and making it super creamy. And infested with maggots.

And this will supposedly turn you and possibly another person on.  When people eat it, they hold their hand over the cheese so that the fly larvae (which can launch themselves 6 inches into the air) don’t hit them in the face. This clearly gets you in the mood, preparing your lady for the inevitable premature ejaculation she will be treated to since she is now having sex with a man who enjoys food infested with insects, and probably doesn’t see lady parts in person very often. And besides, who doesn’t have Get Punched In The Face With Baby Bugs at the very top of their list of favorite foreplay activities sandwiched between Fart In Fish Tank and Scream At Sheep Anus.

1) Deer Penis

I am going to simply assume you know what this is based on the section title, but just in case you don’t, it’s a deer’s dick. It isn’t a special term that means two things and is actually something like deer filet mingon, it the actual genital of a male deer. Again, we’re in Chinese traditional medicine territory, but you can almost see the idea at work here; deer are graceful, beautiful animals, and their dongs must hold some sort of powerful sex magic for sex making, after all, deer are the rabbits of the wild. (Just go with it).

On the plus side, any woman who will knowingly down a dried deer prick will likely have no problem gobbling whatever horrors you have waiting for her in your pants. Hell, at least yours belongs (presumably) to the same species, and non-beast sex is legal in way more countries.

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