6 Awful Christmas Songs to Haunt Your Last Minute ShoppingBy Ian Fortey
It’s down to the wire kids, and statistics tell us that probably you didn’t bother to go out and buy presents yet. For proof, visit any Wal Mart anywhere today and try not to be murdered as hordes of assholes swarm like locusts across perceived bargains in an effort to ensure their sloth doesn’t ruin the holiday for friends and family.
As punishment for your procrastination, stores across the world have conspired to play nothing but Christmas music while you shop. And arguably while any Christmas music is unwelcome, at least Oh Come All ye Faithful by Twisted Sister has wicked awesome music. The rest of these do not. These are the horrible things you face as you set foot in stores for Christmas.
This godforsaken song has been covered by Chris Brown, Christina Aguilera, Macy Gray, the Temptations, Menudo, Usher, N’Sync, Raven Symone, Gloria Estefan and anyone who’s ever been to Detroit. Originally written by Donny Hathaway, this aural treat has the distinction of being the only R&B Christmas song anyone’s ever heard apparently, which means every year 6 new people cover it and it never gets any better.
It’s awesome that anyone who has heard an R&B album feels they need to record this, but the fact remains the song fucking sucks. It’s absolutely terrible. In includes the lyrics “This Christmas will be a very special Christmas for me” and “We’re caroling through the night” which sound like lame, generic Christmas lyrics but become so much worse when you hear them belted out with a little soul. “Caroling through the night” suddenly sounds like the world’s worst holiday-based innuendo. Might as well say ‘I’m gonna carol you from behind.”
If any doubt is left about how bad this song is, here’s an entire verse from the Christina Aguilera version:
Ooh yeah, yeah yeah, alright
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah
Alright now, right now, now
Paul McCartney did this to us as a people and we have only him to blame though, like every Christmas song, it’s been covered a million times since. Hillary Duff covered this, the Barenaked Ladies and 80’s shite band Helix took the time to make a version as well. Sweet Jesus.
To start with, the use of synthesizers in this song is unforgiveable. It doesn’t matter if McCartney wrote it in the 70’s, synthesizers have a timelessly shit quality to them and people knew it back then too.
On top of that, the heinously repetitive lyrics and music bore into your skull like a parasite. The chorus is repeated ad nauseum and all that ding dong shit must be what it’s like to actually be insane. This song is an insanity simulator with a holiday theme.
Happy Christmas (War is Over)
May as well stick with the Beatles and dust off this chestnut as well, brought to you by John Lennon. Some people think it’s sacrilege to make fun of John Lennon since he died because the Beatles were so awesome, blah blah blah. John Lennon married Yoko fucking Ono. Albert Einstein had that haircut. Steven Hawking never stands when a lady leaves the table. Geniuses do silly shit all the time.
Following the trend of making the awful more awful, this song has been covered by Celine Dion, Maroon 5, Jimmy Buffet, N’Sync, Neil Diamond and, again, Helix.
This song is in serious contention for one of the worst songs ever. If it makes you feel better, Yoko Ono wrote it too, so maybe that redeems Lennon, but fuck. Every year this song gets carted out by some poor children’s charity or like, the Depression Fund or something when they want to make you feel bad that you have a turkey and someone in the world has to eat a discarded shoe.
On the one hand it seems like this song has a positive message about ending the war maybe, but no one uses it that way. Mostly it just sounds like a condemnation of what an asshole you are and sarcastically challenges you to enjoy your Christmas, you fat Imperialist bastard.
The 80’s was a bad time for most music but the holidays were hit especially hard. Witness Last Christmas as provided to you by Wham! Listen, Wham! never did anything that wasn’t awful for any number of reasons, not the least of which is that George Michael is apparently a raving sexual deviant. The amount of time he spends getting off in public restrooms is directly proportional to the amount of time he didn’t spend trying to polish these turns into songs that weren’t god awful. And you better believe this man spends a lot of time getting off in public restrooms.
What other luminaries have taken the time to cover this pop monstrosity? Ashley Tisdale and Crazy Frog. Arctic Monkeys, the Cheetah Girls and Hilary Duff did it too. Man, humanity is lucky to have so much music to choose from.
The song features the lyrics “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special.” Now, apparently music is supposed to exist solely in a realm of suspension of disbelief and/or blind acceptance of any and all stupid sentiments because often times, song lyrics are retarded. But we never signed a contract agreeing to that. Those are dumb lyrics. What the hell are you doing giving your heart to someone you don’t feel is special? Who did you give your heart to last Christmas? We already know the answer – it was a random guy in a public restroom.
Worse, the song goes on to explain how this person from last year doesn’t even recognize the singer, who is apparently stalkerishly obsessed with them and amidst their bitter ruminations on being fucked last year, they admit they’d do it again this year. This is a song about an idiot.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
This song was originally performed by Elmo and Pasty Shropshire. Bet you didn’t know that. If you’ve never heard the song, it’s about grandma getting her drunk ass run over by a reindeer. Yes, it’s that awesome.
Basically a novelty song, this is one of those things that is hilarious to children and people who save beer cans. Everyone else wishes they’d never heard it but, sadly, it returns each and every year. The upside to this song is that it has no sentimental appeal and thus doesn’t get sappy cover versions by today’s forgettable pop stars when they release their ominous Christmas albums that were hastily produced in November. The downside is that means you’ll hear the same version over and over again. Sure, there are some cover versions; the Irish Rovers did one, but no one goes out of their way to find those. They just buy the compilation Christmas album and you hear the same one again and again.
If Happy Christmas has any mountain to overcome when it comes to being labeled the worst song ever, this is it. Because this, seriously, is the worst Christmas song ever. Eartha Kitt recorded this back in the day and, at the time, this may have worked. A little vampy, kind of playful, kind of ridiculous Christmas song with some sexual undertones by Catwoman.
Fast forward to modern times when, you guessed, it, every asshole with a vagina (and a few without) has covered this song including Madonna, Rupaul, Shakira, The Pussycat Dolls, Faith Evans and Kylie Minogue. But no one has done it worse than B2K.
If you could be stabbed in the ass, not with a massive machete, but with a song, this is the song that a hockey-mask wearing maniac would do it with. This song would tear out your insides and leave you in a heap. This is the song Satan uses when he wants the other demons to leave Hell for a while so he can have some privacy to read a book or whatever.
Listen to that aggravating hip hop beat, random grunts and bizarre vibro, auto-tune awful, brain shattering filth just seep into your soul and take a shit on it. If this song was an animal in the zoo, it’d be the monkey that escaped its enclosure and, rather than running for freedom, jumped on your shoulders and fucked your ear. And in your panic you’d scramble to pull it off, forgetting to appreciate how physically strong monkeys are despite their diminutive size, and it’d just keep having its way with you because nothing stops a monkey just like you can’t stop this song because the goddamn thing was already recorded.