5 Things You Didn’t Know about Jimmy Dean (That Might Make You Hate Him Posthumously)By Evan Hoovler
Though it took 66 years, those who took “James Dean” in a 1954 death pool have finally completed their exacta. The founder of the Jimmy Dean pork products company passed away, reportedly from natural causes (which we assume means an overdose of nutmeg). Here at Funnycrave, we have long worshipped Mr. Dean for his perfectly-spiced sausage patties, which get us through our morning routine each and every day at 2 p.m.
However, upon extensively researching Wikipedia and Jimmy Dean’s own website, http://www.deancountry.com, we found he has a spicy past as well. Although with his passing, Dean’s fluffy sausage biscuits already taste sour, we found 5 more reasons to wash your meaty breakfast down with a fifth (or an eighth), this morning.
1. Jimmy Dean Helped Mainstream Country Music
Like Taylor Swift’s boobs, Jimmy Dean had a huge crossover hit which topped the pop charts. “Big Bad John,” was his blockbuster smash that eventually led to him hosting his own Country & Western TV show. This introduced mainstream America to emerging country music superstars. In case you were wondering, par for this paragraph is two, i.e. if you read it and barfed twice you did average.
2. Jimmy Dean was a High School Dropout
This just proves how much an uneducated man can learn about meat on the streets of Texas.
3. His Website Sells Autographed Photos of Donna Meade Dean
We tried doing extensive research on Donna Meade Dean, who married Jimmy Dean in 1991. As far as we can tell, her only claim to fame is marrying into the Jimmy Dean empire when she was 38 and Dean was 61. Anyway, if you want a signed picture of this now rich woman, it’s $4.00. Creepily, the website still offers that Jimmy Dean will autograph anything you purchase.
4. He Wrote a Song about Your Mother
Before he robbed the cradle in 1991, Dean robbed the, erm, cradle rocker with a hit song, “I.O.U.” Dean dedicated the song to mothers everywhere, which is just over the line. I.O.U. went on to sell a million copies, probably a lot of the records were purchased by enthusiastic cows.
5. He Is the Only Person Who Doesn’t Like Sara Lee
In 2004, Jimmy Dean claimed the snack food giant dropped him as a spokesperson because he was “too old.” Keep in mind that Dean was 75 years old at the time, which is like the mandatory retirement age for sea turtles.