When most of us think about getting drunk, we don’t try to devise crafty alternative methods for getting the alcohol in our systems. Call it uncreative, but when most people see a drinkable liquid that will get us drunk, we’re going to drink it.
This idea isn’t completely universal, though. Some people look at a bottle of vodka and say, “I’d really like in one of the other holes in my body.” Yes, these people are probably insane, but you have to give them credit: they are some outside-the-box thinkers. Granted, they drunkenly stumbled out of this box, but they’re outside of it nonetheless, which is more than any of the rest of us mouth-drinkers can say.
Through The Nose
We’ve all had that moment where we felt like idiots as we washed down a tiny, innocent sip of water, and then began choking on it; gasping for air and hoping you don’t end up in a grave with your headstone reading, “Here lies Dan — The dumb bastard with a drinking problem…and not the cool kind.” Sometimes in the aftermath of these moments you can keep a little bit of the liquid you choked on in your nose, and you can maybe still taste it as it lingers in your nasal passages.
This is torturous for most, but not for some members of England’s bar and night club scene sometime around 2006. As reported by the BBC, many club and bar goers quickly flocked to their watering hole of choice to try out a fancy new way to get drunk that carried with it the totally awesome and trendy side effects of permanently screwing up your nose and possibly drowning yourself while standing on dry land, like only the finest of idiot. Rather than drink the vodka, patrons would instead snort the stuff in to their noses via straw, claiming that this method go them drunker faster.
“It’s not a very nice thing to do, it’s like taking nose drops … and when you’re collapsed on the floor you certainly do not look very clever,” said Nick Tegadine from England’s Alcohol Problems Advisory Service, just before he snorted a shot of vodka and performed a striptease while standing atop a fellow bar patron’s ultimate nacho explosion party platter.
Through The Eyes
When people think of Stanley Kubrick’s Clockwork Orange, they think about the unsettling scene in which Alex is strapped down to a chair with his eyes pried open with metal claps as he is forced to watch violent footage, occasionally having his eyeballs moisten with eye drops. But not even Stanley Kubrick himself could have envisioned a more unsettling scene than the sight of a gaggle of bar patron’s simultaneously soaking in bottles of vodka through their eyes.
Insane? Yes. True? Very yes.
The trend is said to have started in the city where dreams go to die and souls go to cash in their remaining shreds of dignity: Las Vegas. Supposedly, Las Vegas waitresses, after having no luck getting tips for their almost fully displayed tits and loose morals, would slam down shot after shot of vodka through their eyes for some cash. Yes, in Las Vegas, the word whore has many definitions.
Once the trend caught fire in clubs all over the world, it was only a matter of time before videos of the stunt hit Youtube, which then inspired a whole new generation of primate party goers to follow suit.
Take this video, for example. All I did was type “Vodka eye shot” in to the Youtube search bar and up came too many videos to count. In the video below, you can watch three tank top-clad Bros being so ultra cool by proving their eyes can absorb moister.
Through The Feet
So we’ve already covered eyes and noses, and it would seem we’re running out of orifices. Never fear, for the citizens of Denmark have had yet another alternative to performing the laborious task of using throat muscles to down some liquor, this time foregoing the usage of the head entirely, and instead, soaking their feet in vodka for extended periods of time.
This Danish urban myth spans many, many years, but it wasn’t until just this year that this tradition was scientifically proven to be pure bullshit that doesn’t get you drunk, as much as it just marinates your toes and leaves them smelling like the mouth of an alcohol poisoned hobo splayed out on a street corner.
To test the myth, researchers soaked the feet of three test subjects in tubs of vodka for three hours while the researchers measured the ethanol concentrations in the blood stream. The results can be summed up succinctly in a phrase many scientific researchers like to use in published papers dealing with the debunking myths such as this one: “It’s a load of horseshit.”
Through The Vagina (Or Anus) Via Tampon
It is often said that the vaginas are the eyes of the pelvis. Alright, so no one has ever said that. But the same basic principal involved with taking a shot of vodka in the eyes applies to soaking a tampon with liquor and inserting in to a woman’s baby-making region.
This method, though, may fall more in to the realm of rumor than fact, but the executive director of the Irti Hummeista drug and alcohol center in Finland claims to have received reports of this practice taking place among girls in eastern Finland – so there might be some truth to it.
Other than the need for some young people to be viewed in the (vodka-soaked) eyes of their peers as wild and crazy, the reasons for soaking a tampon in vodka and cramming it in their cooter are somewhat practical, if not stupid:
1) Vodka in the coochie means no vodka breath
2) No wait time for digestion as the vodka quickly enters the blood stream
3) Vaginas can’t throw up in the toilet after too many drinks. Although, that is one hell of a mental image.
The claim of having a night free of drunk breath is questionable, due to the fact that any alcohol absorbed through the blood stream is at least partially expelled through the lungs. So if a girl drove home drunk thinking a cop would never dare ask her vagina to blow in to a breathalyzer would be shit out of luck – the breathalyzer would still detect the booze, which would leave some less-than-intelligent party girls forever thinking the lungs are somehow attached to the birth canal.
We’ve already covered the nose, but, you see, drunks, for as sloppy as they are, are an inventive people. Rather than simply pour an alcoholic beverage in to the nose, way not slowly take it in via a fine mist?
This alcohol vaporization is done through a machine known as an AWOL, which is short for Alcohol Without Liquid. The way the AWOL makes you feel like you’re getting drunk in the future is actually quite ingenious: once the alcohol in the machine is vaporized, it is then mixed with oxygen to create a breathable mist.
The machine touts the advantages of bypassing the intake of calories and carbohydrates, and even eliminating the hangover the next morning. The truth of the matter is that a vast majority of spirits don’t even contain calories or carbohydrates. The claim of a hangover-less day after night of booze mist seems to be true.
The downside to this wondrous machine is that 20 minutes of breathing in the vapors is equal to taking a single shot of the hooche, which begs the question: why wait 20 minutes to feel the effects of a single shot when you can beer funnel a bottle of Goldschlager, or some other equally atrocious drink, and be wasted in only a few blurry minuets?