There are only two things that are more awesome than camping with your buddies: finding a winning powerball ticket, and accidentally stumbling into a supermodel orgy. Aside from those two things, camping with your buddies is the most awesome thing ever, but there are a few simple rules that you should follow to ensure that your camping trip reaches its maximum potential for awesomeness:
Rule #1: No Showers
Showers are for girls and babies. You’re a man. It’s not that you can’t shower when you’re camping. You don’t even f*cking want to shower. When you and your friends go camping, you’re attempting to temporarily abandon the conveniences of modern life and live like our caveman ancestors did: by making fires, eating beans straight out of a tin can, and being completely covered in dirt, animal shit, and beer for an entire 3-day weekend.
Rule #2: Drink Heavily, Drink Frequently
Your camping experience is going to consist of three basic activities: creating fire, talking about the fire you just created, and playing with that fire until someone gets hurt. What goes wonderfully with all of the above? Alcohol, of course! And you’ll need lots of it too, because there’s absolutely nothing to do in the woods besides get drunk and play with fire. Without fire, camping is like sitting at the DMV: it’s dirty, there are a lot of weird noises, and it’s way more fun when you’re completely shitfaced.
Rule #3: If You’re Camping Next to Old People, Then You’re Not Camping
As a general rule, old people don’t camp. They just drive until they see trees, park their RV’s, and then watch television until they run out of tapioca pudding or their Depends adult undergarment gets too soggy. Therefore, if you’re camping near some old people, you’re not really camping. There is only one exception to this rule: if those old people are wearing camouflage fatigues from head to toe, then they’re probably some kind of badass old people who are really good at camping and survival-type stuff. If they’re not wearing fatigues, then there’s a good chance you set up your tent on the front lawn of a retirement home. Get the hell out of there and go camping, already!
Rule #4: Don’t Fall in the Fire
This is probably the most important camping rule of all, and for good reason: if you f*ck this one up, it will completely ruin the memory of this camping trip (and probably the concept of camping in general) forever. If you fall into the camp fire, all of your camping buddies will forever refer to this camping trip as “The Trip Where Your Accident Happened”, and they’ll use that phrase when they’re explaining in muttered conversation behind your back how you came to look like Mel Gibson from The Man Without a Face (except less pedophile-y). You’ll also never be able to watch Fantastic 4 with a group of people without making everyone feel really uncomfortable every time Johnny Storm flames on.
Rule #5: Shit in the Woods or Don’t Shit at All
Shitting in the woods is an absolute necessity for the legitimate camper. If you’re campground has an outhouse or a public restroom, then it’s not really a campground. It’s a rest stop that allows people to put up tents, and gay dudes and bounty hunters camp out at rest stops. If you’re really camping, then the process of shitting requires three simple steps: digging a hole in the woods, shitting into that hole, and then burying your shit like an animal. They make those camping toilets that are basically a little makeshift toilet seat with a plastic bag attached for you to shit into, and if you’re a prissy bitch or an incredibly fat person who can’t hold their own weight long enough to pitch a loaf in the dirt, then I’d highly recommend one of those. Otherwise, squat down behind a log and drop a butt sausage right on Mother Nature’s face.