5 Reasons Why He’s Tommy Davis: Scientology Badass

There are a lot of ways someone can become an epic badass.  You could get a wicked awesome tattoo of an anchor, totally on your bicep muscle.  Or you could murder a shark.  Or you could wear a leather jacket and smoke while combing your hair, even though it doesn’t even need to be combed.  Look at you, badass.  You are one badass dude.

Still, all of that badassery is secular.  It’s joe average.  It’s bullshit.  You’re not a real badass, you shark murdering son-of-a-bitch, until you’re down like Tommy Davis.  Let’s check this rebel out.

First, the name.  Tommy.  Sue, player is a full grown man but he’s running around with the name of a toddler because he wants you to know he has the moral development of a child.  There’s no right or wrong for Tommy, there’s only the compulsions of Tommy.  The needs and whims of Tommy.  The fury of Tommy!  Tommy Davis will not be kept down!!

Second, the lineage.  His moms is Anne Archer.  Yes, the Anne Archer.  She’s the hottest woman in her 60’s you’re apt to see this week (supposing you go look for her, we’re not putting up a picture.  Honestly, this ain’t no magazine).  However, you can totally Google her and see her ass.  And her son is a badass.  Get it?  Hells yeah.

Third, he used to be Tom Cruise’s handler.  He had to handle Tom Cruise.  Could you imagine handling Tom Cruise?  Would you want to handle Tom Cruise?  Do you wear gloves and/or use hand sanitizer?  Tommy Davis knows.  He was in the inner sanctum for years.  When Tom Cruise was ready to put on a latex catsuit and windsprint across the globe to track down Brook Shields and eat her soul, Tommy Davis had to talk him down. If not but for the grace of Tommy Davis, when Tom Cruise was on Oprah that time, he would have shit pure acid like an alien from the movie Aliens across the entire studio and then laid his pods in the hollowed out corpses of the audience.

Fourth, crazy mofo smoked weed.  That’s right, the reefer.  Pot.  Cannabis.  That’s a gateway drug, man.  A gateway to badass.  And on the other side of that gate, hanging with L Ron Hubbard and Lord Xenu on a volcano full of awesome (and aliens) is Tommy Fucking Davis.  His middle name is actually Fucking.

Finally, as we showed you yesterday, Tommy Davis doesn’t stand for sass.  You want to sass Tommy Davis?  Better think twice.  He won’t stand for it.  Unless it’s to leave, and he’s sitting, so he has to stand to leave.  Leave to get away from your sass.  So don’t even think about asking him about Lord Xenu, especially since church insiders who have since left say he’s probably not high enough in the fold to know about stuff like that, and it’s probably best also not to ask if he’s even qualified for his job since they’ve also accused him of not even being properly trained since high level church members seem to barely be schooled in the bullshit they shovel, and you really better not mention the mountains of evidence that suggest L Ron Hubbard was inept and a fraud and Scientology is a joke that does little more than ruin and control lives.  Because he’s a badass.  And you don’t wanna mess with him.