5 Onscreen Couples Who Would Never Be Together In Real Life

Obviously, nobody turns to films or television for anything resembling reality.  Except for MTV’s The Real World, of course.  That’s as real as it gets.  But still, there comes a time for every viewer when shit just gets too ridiculous, forcing you to throw your hands in the air and say “Oh, come on!  There’s no way that could happen!”.  Everyone has their bullshit threshold.  For us, it’s not hover boards, flux capacitors or talking animals.  No, for us, it’s the thought of Jim Belushi being married to anyone not resembling Roseanne Barr.  Time and again, due to their full on obsession with working a hot chick into any and every storyline (much like we do here), Hollywood pairs frumpy, everyday Joe types with smoking hot chicks who are miles out of their league.  For example…

5. Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne-Smith (According To Jim)

Fine, maybe we’re stretching a bit with this one.  Granted, Jim Belushi is a worthless sack of coattail riding buffoonery whose abysmal television show should have been cancelled after one season, but when you look at those two together, it doesn’t seem that improbable.  Maybe when they met he was (almost certainly) the douchebag school jock who nailed all the chicks and put freshmen in their lockers and secretly checked out his teammates junk in the shower after games.  She was probably the hottest thing on two legs at that same school.  It’s only natural that they would get together.  Twenty years, a bunch of kids and a massive entanglement of financial obligations later, they’re forced to stay together.  But still, fuck that guy.

4. Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen (Knocked Up)

You know that thing that people always say about how chicks love guys who have a great sense of humor?  It’s absolutely true, provided the guy also has great abs or a ton of cash.  Without that, a great sense of humor is about as effective as a strategically placed cold sore on your upper lip when it comes to landing a chick.  In the movie, Katherine Heigl, upon finding she’s carrying Seth Rogen’s jew-froed seed tries her damndest to make a relationship work.  In real life, she probably would have told the kid that dad died in the US war with Scandinavia in 2002 or, alternately, just hurled herself off the top of the nearest flight of stairs.

3. Marisa Tomei and Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler)

One of these things is not like the other.  One starred in a Cosby Show spinoff with Lisa Bonet.  The other starred in a movie where Lisa Bonet gets shot in the vag.  One is still every bit as hot as they were back when people knew who Lisa Bonet was.  The other looks like the “after” half of a before and after video on plastic surgery gone awry.  Even in the movie, this hookup was unlikely.  Strippers don’t strip because they like poverty.  The chances of a stripper falling for a guy who lives out of a van most of the movie is right up there with the chances of Marisa Tomei falling for Mickey Rourke’s leathery face in real life.  Seriously, the best dude has looked onscreen recently was in Sin City.

2. Uma Thurman and David Carradine (Kill Bill)

Warning, the following paragraph references David Carradine and, therefore, may contain a series of tasteless jokes about his recent untimely demise.  If you’re the type that isn’t cool with that, you might not want to…HANG around for the rest of this entry.  Yes!  Snuk one in during the disclaimer!  But seriously, these two would never happen in real life.  Not unless Carradine was, like, really well hung or something.  Ok, our job is done here.

1. Sofia Vergara and Ed O’Neill (Modern Family)

Now just what in the fuck is going on here?  Don’t get us wrong, we’re ecstatic that Ed O’Neill is back to doing television comedies.  Al Bundy was quite possibly the greatest sitcom character ever.  But does it have to happen like this?  In Modern Family, O’Neill plays a man married to a woman 30 years his junior.  That woman, inexplicably, is played by Sofia Vergara.  This pairing takes television’s already legendary need to unload massive amounts of unhealthy expectations and self esteem issues upon its viewers to great new heights.  Yeah, dude, go ahead and divorce your wife of 25 years and mother of your four kids, because right around the corner, a hot latina chick with an immaculate rack is waiting to take her place.  And ladies, be hot all you want, hell, maybe even be smart as well, doesn’t matter, the only man that will really ever love you is your dad.  Or at least the guy you sleep with because he reminds you of the father who never really expressed his love for you.  With that said, in another 15-20 years, we’ll be a-ok with that last one.

To see even more reasons why Sofia Vergara would be very unlikely to ever end up in the sack with Al Bundy, go here.