5 Holiday Gift Ideas to Help Defeat the Aliens Who Are Here to Destroy Us

Well, fellow Earthlings, we’ve certainly had a nice run.  Depending on who you believe, we’ve been around anywhere from 10,000 to several million years, which is pretty impressive as far as life spans go.  We’ve started governments, created several languages, advanced technology to awe inspiring new heights and, most impressively, aired five seasons of Charles In Charge.  Yep, we’ve done some good on this big rock we call home.  Unfortunately, it looks like it’s all over now.  Or is it?

As seen in the above video, early Tuesday morning a mysterious spiral light appeared over Norway.  It was huge, it had a long blue tail, and it almost certainly means the aliens have arrived.  They haven’t landed yet, probably because they realized they were in Norway and it’s cold there and it sucks.  But they will land soon, probably in New Mexico or Arizona or something.

Upon first meeting this new race of super intelligent beings, it will be pretty clear that they are hellbent on our enslavement and eventual destruction.  You know how we’re going to know?  Because they’re going to tell us.  Granted, it will be in a barely listenable, super broken form of English that will take years to get used to, but if we’ve learned anything from the summer blockbuster District 9, it’s that there will be subtitles, so it’s no biggie.  Futhermore, there is no reason to believe that we can’t win this thing.  In fact, this couldn’t be happening at a more opportune time.  Yes, we’re going to win.  And we’re going to do it through the overwhelming power of Christmas gift giving.  Here’s how:

The Setup

Whatever you do, don’t let your first interaction with your would-be enslaver become awkward.  Pretend like you understand.  Tell them you’d totally be doing the same thing if you were them.  Maybe exchange a laugh when they shoot you a puzzled look because they thought you already DID do this to the Native Americans because they mistakenly believed the white man came to Earth from another planet in a horribly bungled attempt to do exactly what they, the aliens, are doing now.  Silly aliens!

And now, with the ice sufficiently broken, wish them a merry Christmas.  Best believe, they know what Christmas is, they’ve been watching us for eons.  Your gesture of goodwill towards them will put them at ease.  They thought this was going to be awkward, but no, you’re taking it like a champ!

At this point, casually motion towards the pile of gifts that, hopefully, you’ve already purchased by now, or this shit is not going to work at all.  Tell them you were going to give them to your family but, since they’re soon to be encapsulated in pod like structures so as to provide alien sustenance, they have no use for them.  Offer them to the alien, one at a time, in this order.

Big Sunglasses

We certainly hope you don’t think we’re racists for saying this, but historically, aliens have some big ass eyes.  Give them a pair of big ass sunglasses to go with those dark, soulless orbs.  Explain that they were intended to be a gift for your teenage daughter who is enamored with the fashion sense of an actress here on Earth named Katie Holmes.  Ask if they’ve heard of her.  You know they have.

While they silently reminisce about the dinner they shared with the Cruise family just last week, tell them that you thought maybe the sunglasses would be a good idea.  It can get awfully sunny here on Earth.  UV rays must be a bitch on eyes that size.  They’ll appreciate the concern.  Maybe they’ll think you have Stockholm Syndrome.  What you really have is a plan, and this gift is just the beginning.

Astroglide

If you haven’t already figured it out, that first gift was a comfort building measure.  It’s in their nature to view humans with mistrust and hostility.  Hell, that’s how we view each other, why shouldn’t they?  Giving them that first gift, a gift that was seemingly given with their well being in mind, will go a long way towards making you look less threatening.  Sure, humans are basically feral animals that destroy everything they touch, but you?  You just might be different.  But there is still going to be some trepidation on their part.  To combat this, give them a bottle of Astroglide.

The effect here is twofold.  First of all, it will remind them of their home, outer space, where every single product they’ve ever seen had the word “astro” in its name (except for those that were named “XJ” followed by a hyphen and a series of numbers, there’s a lot of that too).  In epic showdowns that decide the fate of humanity, nostalgia is just as good as a leadpipe blow to the kneecaps of your aggressor.

When they ask what they do with this product that seems so familiar yet so unknown, sheepishly explain that, shucks, you know they have a lot of anal probing to do.  A dollop of this stuff on the end of their terrifying and unnecessarily large tool will make their job a whole lot easier.  For everybody!  With this seemingly genuine display of concern combined with the down home nostalgia invoked by seeing the word “astro,” don’t be surprised if this evil doer sheds a little tear.  Don’t touch it though, it’s probably sulphuric acid or some shit.

iPod Touch

Now that you’ve got a good rapport going, start shooting the shit a little.  Compliment them on that menacing wand that they’ll be jamming in your stink hole later.  Mention that it appears to have a really user friendly interface.  Ask what kind of firmware it uses or if there were a lot of bugs that had to be worked out before it went into production.  Maybe crack a joke about how they look really comfortable using it and that makes the thought of you being anally impaled on it a lot more palatable.  Not!  Ha!  They thought you were serious, but then you said “not!”  Classic.

With that, it’s time for another gift.  Tell them that, although you haven’t quite mastered interdimensional travel or anything, you have a little technology of you own.  Then give them an iPod.

If they weren’t already comfortable in the knowledge that you are utterly useless and inferior, this display of primitive technology will surely do the trick.  They just traveled from light years away in under 36 seconds in a noiseless spacecraft complete with bitchin’ spiral light show.  And you’re giving them a fucking mp3 player?  Charming.  They totally want to pat you on your clueless little head right now.

Lady Gaga – The Fame Monster

In the alien’s mind, at this point, they might as well be a house cat batting around a helpless little mouse.  They’re most certainly planning to kill you, but they’re just having way too much fun playing with you to do it right now.  With that in mind, they’re going to humor you and ask what you use this “strange iPod” for.  It’s not a serious question.  They’ve had iPods since we were plowing fields with goddamned mules.  But again, they’re just toying with you now.  This will piss you off, but don’t let it rattle you, things are going exactly as planned.

When they ask their patronizing question, tell them what the iPod is for and then use it to pull up Lady GaGa’s The Fame Monster album.  Explain that, yes, you are kind of ashamed to admit that you listen to Lady GaGa, but seriously, you just can’t get that “Pokerface” song out of your head!  Really play it up.  Tell them that the insanely catchy pop stylings of Lady GaGa are so infectious that, often, you find yourself lying awake at night churning the lyrics to “Paparazzi” around in your head, helpless in your battle to get some rest.

And you’re not the only one!  It’s a worldwide epidemic.  There have been reports of deaths in some particularly susceptible areas of the world, San Francicso, for example.  Lady GaGa fever is destroying life as you knew it.  Frankly, you’re kind of glad the aliens showed up to put us out of our collective misery.

What’s the point of all this?  Simple, the alien race with which you are confronted developed the means to get catchy songs out of their head centuries ago.  Your GaGa has no power over them!  Yet here you are, an entire race perishing at the hands of catchy pop tunes.  If this is the kind of thing that can destroy you, then you are weaker than they thought.  There is nothing the human race can do to stop them.

With that, you have them exactly where you want them.  Get ready to unleash the fury.

A Wendy’s Baconator

In the alien’s big creepy eyes, you could not possibly be anymore sad and pathetic right now.  They showed up to anally probe you, a completely dated practice that they only cling to for the sheer enjoyment, and you offered them gifts to help make it easier for them.  Your idea of technology is a device that plays music.  Music, might we add, that can derail a major aviation project for an entire day if the wrong engineer walks past a radio and hears it.  At this point, the alien is weeping for you on their black, gooey inside.  They feel sorry for you.  This is the perfect time to ask them if they’ll give you a gift.  Ask them for the gift of sharing one final meal with a worthy guest before they lay you to waste.  Not even the harshest of cow mutilating aliens would turn down a request like this.  They are an advanced race.

And now, it’s time to go on the offensive.  For your “final” meal, serve the legendary Wendy’s Baconator.  It’s two slabs of beef, approximately four pounds of bacon, two slices of cheese, mayonaise and a lifetime of regret on a bun.  It has taken the human race decades of horrible nutrition to build up the necessary immunity to ingest one of these things without dying on the spot.  And even now it’s still touch and go sometimes.  Our intern suffered a mild stroke just downloading a picture of this beast.  Sure, that’s a worse case scenario situation, but at the very best, eating one of these things is going to have the average human in the bathroom for a week.  You know why Wendy’s is open so late? Because once you eat a Baconator, the night is fucking over.

All of the alien technology in the universe hasn’t prepared our potential captors for the moment this unholy union of beef, swine and saturated fat hits their digestive tract.  The catastrophic effects of this venomous concoction on their delicate and perfectly balanced inner workings are incalculable.  Keep some water handy, because there is probably going to be a fire.

Now, all there is left to do is sit back and watch with glee while your one-time adversary withers in front of you.  And by “withers” we of course mean “expands to the point of near explosion as their insides fill with gases the likes of which would destroy their planet in seconds if it was introduced into their atmosphere.”  Enjoy your half of the Baconator dinner wrapped in the warming glow of freedom while you wait for the inevitable exploding alien finale.  Just like that, what was once a potentially lifestyle crippling enslavement is now downgraded to an assuredly nasty cleanup.

Nice try, dirty aliens.  Nice try.  Maybe if you don’t show up with a fancy pants light show next time we won’t be quite so well prepared.