5 Explosives that would give Micheal Bay wood

People love explosions. When shit blows up, people cheer. Micheal Bay has a career based on this fact; between Armageddon and The Rock, Bay used more explosives than the Manhattan Project. While most people get a charge out of a big bang, Micheal Bay experiences the same, sick sexual thrill a serial killer gets when I watched the light fade from that hooker’s eyes.

“Bang! Boobs! BOOM! BLAM! (Titties!)”

Micheal Bay’s exact words when asked about making movies.

So I sat down and researched for hours trying to find explosives that would give Mr Bay such a chub that it would detonate his pants. I came up with the following list, which shows humans can make life a more terrifying, special effects-laden place.

Earthquake Bombs

How can anything with “Earthquake” in the name not kick ass? Back in WW2, a clever British man named Barnes Wallis had an epiphany regarding gravity that made Isaac Newton look like a douche; if they built really big bombs, with armored noses they would penetrate the ground and blow up inside it, where the shock wave would turn dirt, concrete and buildings into blast conductors and kill everyone for a greater distance.

The bombs (including the Tallboy and Grand Slam) did just that, with and extra bonus; concrete bunkers actually focused those shock waves, meaning anyone inside one when a bomb hit nearby was turned into stew. The 20,000 pound bombs did the job so well, Denny’s named a meal after one of them. [citation needed]

“Massive Ordinance” Bombs

Someone in the past decade or so looked back at the earthquake bombs and said “we need a modern, infinitely more retardedly powerful version of those things.” We have had daisy cutters since the Vietnam war, but those were old-school, only causing explosions like this:

The American MOAB and Russian FOAB bombs were created to fill that void. They sit just on the non-irradiating side of a small nuclear weapon when they blow up. These bombs exist for a practical reason (to destroy a ridiculous amount of shit in one blast, and to show how big America and Russia’s respective dicks are), they also come with the side benefit of being so horrifying that people shit themselves into submission just knowing one might fall on them.

America’s exploding terror-penis.

In both cases, the explosive yield is measured in thousands of pounds of TNT. The Russians are actually using FOABs to replace some of their low-yield nuclear stockpile. If the Russians are to be believed,. the FOAB is slightly smaller than the MOAB, but 4 times as powerful.

The old daisy cutters were used early in the current Gulf war to “Step up” America’s assault on Iraq. And by “step up” I mean two were used in tandem to wipe Saddam Hussein’s elite Republican guard out of existence. The MOAB is almost 8 thousand pounds bigger.

Right now, Micheal Bay is using one hand to write a script that uses 400 of these things on a Transformer the size of an aircraft carrier. His other hand is…. busy…

Nuclear Bunker Busters

One day, someone in the higher echelons of the US military told a group of defense contractors to mix two existing technologies to come up with one fucking awesome technology that blended both of them. Just ahead of the Hummer-sized grenade and MRE-bombs was the nuclear bunker buster. Or I imagine that is how it went, because my brain can’t grasp someone actually saying “Let’s make a new ground penetrating bomb that nukes caves!”

However, they seem to be dead serious on this one. People were testing nukes underground until everyone stopped testing nukes. So we know what would happen should someone make one of these.

This.

Using the same principal as the Grandslam, the nuclear bunker buster would use shock waves that propagate through solid materials better than air to, and I believe I am being technical when I say this, “fucking murder every fucking thing under-fucking-ground.”

No, you heard that right. “Every-fucking-thing.” It’s hyphenated.

This is the world’s creepiest man-made earthquake video:

Thermobaric Weapons

These are also called Fuel-Air Bombs, because they turn their air into an explosive. No, really. The bombs spread an aerosol of explosives over a wide area, and then ignite it, turning that entire area into a bomb instead of just using the area inside the bomb to explode shit. This creates a massive pressure wave, and also uses up all of the oxygen in the affected area. You are simultaneously crushed, barbecued and suffocated. And I think we can agree with Micheal bay on this one, the explosions are awesome.

And if static images aren’t enough:

Fuel air bombs have been used for everything from clearing mine fields to clearing people fields. Their effects are likened to that of a small nuke without the fallout. No wonder the Russians have been in love with these things for decades. (The FOAB is thermobaric)

Again, Micheal bay will no doubt include this in the next Transformers movie:

Although it looks like it belongs in Battletech, that is an actual Russian tank that fires thermobaric missiles. Sometimes life is more awesome than fiction.

Really Big Nukes. I mean really big.

Ever heard of “Ivy Mike”? Well, if you haven’t, it’s the USA’s first hydrogen bomb ever detonated. It was 10 megatons , created a fireball 3.25 miles across, a mushroom cloud that rose 25 miles into the air, and a shitload of nuclear fallout.

Now, have you ever heard of the island of Eugelab? No? Probably because it no longer exists. Ivy Mike effectively erased an entire island from the face of the earth. Since everything is better in video, here is the footage of Ivy Mike playing out mankind’s “Angry hand of God” fetish:

This is possibly the most disturbing image from the whole thing:

Is that slime? The ectoplasmic leftovers of an island? That means islands have souls! We created a technology that can simultaneously kill and island, and then destroy it’s ghost. But Ivy Mike was “only” 10 megatons. You know how the Russians made the FOAB, which is more explodey than the MOAB America built? Well, using that same philosophy, they built Tsar Bomba back in the ‘60s.

It was a 50 megaton monstrosity, and to date was the largest bomb ever detonated. They originally wanted to make it 100 MT, but even the Russians decided that was just too fucking ridiculous. Here’s the footage:

The explosion was 5 miles in diameter, and the mushroom cloud went nearly 40 miles into the sky. The blast wave circled the earth 3 times, and nearly knocked the plane that dropped the bomb out of the sky. Buildings hundreds of miles from ground zero were destroyed, and it generated what was essentially a 7.1 magnitude earthquake. Windows were broken by the explosion as far away as Norway and Finland.

God was quoted as saying “What the fuck was that?!”

If Tsar Bomba had been used in Armageddon, they would have simply showed it to the asteroid which would have then scampered off like a scared puppy. Micheal Bay would have masturbated through the entire filming of the special effects.