Before we get in to this, let’s just get this out of the way first: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SOME NSFW CONTENT!
With that said, on to the article…
When it comes to sexually pleasuring oneself, women get all sorts of devices and contraptions and doo-dads and thingamajigs. Guys get a hand — two of them, in fact. They can use them in tandem. They can switch off. They can stick to the one. But, generally, male masturbation is an uncomplicated process that is to 2nd grade mathematics what female masturbation is to quantum mechanics. With no calculator. And an eraser-less pencil.
For most men, the world of male sex toys is a bit of a mystery. We’re fairly certain it exists, but it’s undiscovered country. It’s a strange foreign land filled with deep bubbling pits of ultra-slick sex jelly, towering abstract phallic monuments of latex and rubber, and caves that look like vaginas. Human female vaginas. And in some instances, butt holes.
This world may not be as elaborate and vast as the world of female sex toys, but it does have its fare share of creepiness, as well as plenty of devices that boogle the mind, enrapture the imagination, and send shockwaves of fear in to the anuses and wangs of mortal, non-toy using men. It’s an alien world that we have never actually explored ourselves. So come with us on a journey in to the world of male sex toys.
Our first stop on the tour is the Tenga Egg. It’s an egg made out of some kind of “revolutionary material” that allows you to pour some kind of extra thick jelly in to. What makes it so “revolutionary” is the fact that once it’s placed over your penis, it can then be stretched over the length of the shaft. It’s weird watching the thing stretch, though. It’s like watching a real egg get spaghettified after it’s tossed in to the event horizon of a black hole.
The Tenga Egg actually has an impressive pedigree behind it and it is promoted heavily by a guy that will surely never be a household name, Masanobu Sato. Sato is the 2 time champion of San Francisco’s yearly Masturbate-a-thon. In 2008, Sato set a world record for the longest masturbation session, clocking in at 9 hours and 33 minutes. In 2009, he broke his own record by lasting 9 hours and 58 minutes.
In an interview with the SF Weekly, Sato gave a ridiculous quote with a Tenga endorsement thrown in for good measure…
“My abundant imagination was a key to my triumph firstly. Secondly, I trained a lot in Japan from the time I won the 1st prize last year. I swam twice a week, and gained about 5 kgs in muscle.That helped me a lot, too in terms of stamina. Thirdly, the variety of sensations each TENGA gave me was ideal for long masturbation. Without those variety sensations, my dick would feel the same sensation for a long time, which would paralyze my dick in the end. I use as many as 10 different TENGAs so that my dick avoids being paralyzed.”
And just for good measure, we’ll throw you another quote from the interview…
“Also I imagined many supporters in Japan including my girlfriend, family, co-workers etc…that I can’t let them down.”
So while the Tenga Egg is certainly a bizarre and creepy device to have wrapped around your member, just know that with some training, you too can have sex for so long that there might as well be time clock next to the bed so you can punch-in and punch-out like a factory worker.
R-1 A10 Cyclone
At first, this thing looks like a vacuum cleaner hose topped off with an empty jar of Smuckers. But when you take a closer look at it…
…it’s a spinning vortex of wiener doom. It’s like a spacecraft’s hyper-drive spooling up. Or a margarita mixer that makes the worst margaritas imaginable. The Cyclone promotes itself as “The Future of Masturbation,” but apparently, that future is filled with devices that look like things that can kill you in video games.
On one of the product description for the Cyclone read,”Even though the R-1 uses battery energy, the A10 Cyclone has tremendous power.” Nothing with “tremendous power” should be put anywhere near a penis. The penis is a fragile creature. Putting one near something that looks like the inner-workings of Devastator’s mouth has to result in some kind of structural penile damage.
Real Skin Latin Blowjob
There’s a world of difference between a sexless man drunkenly stating that he would want nothing more out of life than a disembodied female mouth that could orally pleasure him at any time, and actually owning a disembodied female mouth that could orally pleasure him at anytime – especially one that has a specific ethnicity.
The ethnicity part is what really throws us. For the sake of argument, let’s say that we at least somewhat understand the idea of one ethnic group of women being better at a certain sexual act than another. How exactly would that play in to the sexual pleasure derived from a rubber mouth that has a skin color that kind of resembles that of Hispanics? In the end, it’s your own hand that’s doing all the work. That’s like paining your blue car red and claiming it can go faster.
And why stop at the nose? Why not some eyes? If you’re the crafty type, just get a glue stick and slap some googly eyes on to if for no other reason than to get a good giggle out of your masturbatory experience. And in that same vein, why not just forgo the inclusion of the nose entirely, which, as far as we can tell, serves no sexual purpose, just an aesthetic one?
Oh, that’s why. Well, if you’re deepest darkest sexual fantasy is to be sucked off by a Sandworm from Dune then this is your best bet.
…Jesus…that thing looks like it’s made of nightmares. We think it comes from the David Lynch line of sex toys.
Tenga Flip Hole
Our next stop on this journey that we already regret taking is from the makers of the Tenga Egg – the Tenga Flip Hole. According to this video review of the Tenga Flip Hole, Tenga Corp. (we assume that’s their name) spent millions of dollars in research just to create a device that you will plunge your penis in to, then ejaculate all up inside of with the aid of some sex jelly. To put this in perspective, a 20-pack of tube socks is $1.50 at Walmart, and your spit is free.
But, of course, your garden variety tube sock doesn’t look like it has the Steve Jobs seal of approval. Of all the male sex toys we took a gander at for the purposes of this article, the Tenga Flip Hole looks the most like the one that your douchey artsy friends will use, and then tell you why your handheld rubber vagina is an unreliable hunk of malfunctioning junk. “The Tenga Flip Hole is not only aesthetically pleasing, but it’s versatile and it never breaks down,” your douchey friend will say. To which you will respond with, “Yeah, but my handheld rubber vagina makes me orgasm like silly, and that’s all I need it for so…yeah, I win.”
The Tenga Flip Hole has six buttons – three on either side – that allow the user to individually grip and press to hit various pleasure points all along the penis. While this is a novel idea, we can’t help but think it a waste of engineering as every man that uses it will be clutching this thing from all sides as if it were a hand they were holding as they hung off the edge of a cliff.
The Dildo Love Machine
When a man hears the word “Dildo” they usually shy away, thinking that whatever is being discussed is solely for women. This isn’t the case with the Dildo Love Machine. The Dildo Love Machine is a versatile sex contraption that can pleasure both men and women, what with its multiple attachments – dildos for women, and vagina-like holes for men. Strangely, all a woman has to do is squat over it to use it, whereas a guy has to huddle over like he’s vomiting into a trashcan; unless, of course, a guy doesn’t mind sitting the machine atop a dinner table so it’s on level with his junk. But at that point he’d just be ruining good furniture.
The Dildo Love Machine is like the Cyclone above in that it’s a mechanical doo-dad that you attach to your fleshy whoo-haa. Instead of a spinning vortex of penile hatred, the Dildo Love Machine is more like an angry little guy with really stubby cylindrical arms trying to punch in the dick but he always misses and ends up accidentally pleasuring you.