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Kick ass music and having sex do not go hand in hand. Any guy whose high school girlfriend would not let him so much as touch her without Boys II Men crooning their cardigan-flavored R& B in the background can attest to this fact. Face it; you just can’t coax a lady into your carnal thunderdome (aka your parent’s basement) to the strains of Black Sabbath. But here are some horrific “music makers” who’ll get the job done.

Jimmy Buffet

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Why You Hate Him

If you’ve ever walked into a room where Jimmy Buffet music was playing you may have asked yourself, “Did a dog just shit in here?” Finding Buffet music is exactly like finding a pile of poo in the middle of the living room carpet. Also, very much like dog crap indoors, Jimmy Buffet music is a shameful act perpetrated by a creature who should know better.

Buffet is a self-described “pirate”, “beach comber” and super easy going dude. He’s also a two-faced, money-grubbing, baby boomer jerkweed (a rarity, we know). While Jimmy’s wailing on about the pleasures of the simple life, he’s about as corporate as you can get. His turned his song “Margaritaville”  into a chain of restaurants.  He partnered another restaurant concept, “Cheeseburger in Paradise,” with the Outback Steakhouse people. He has a beer made by Anheuser-Busch. Got a company retreat coming up? Jimmy will play it, bringing that slightly salty taste of laid back oceanic breeze to your corporate gathering.  It’s the perfect way to wrap up your day long lecture on how to use Twitter to market cigarettes to 14-year-olds.

How He Will Get You Laid

Jimmy Buffet encourages drinking, which fits because Buffets’ music is the kind you’d only consider stomaching if you were really drunk. Plus research shows traumatic experiences bond people to each other. Once that special lady has had enough of Jimmy’s blunt force trauma delivered to her ears. All she’ll want to do is get drunk, cuddle and try to forget.  At that point, you’re well on your way to wasting away in Coochieville, if you know what we mean.  (We mean you’ll be fuckin’.)

Jack Johnson

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Why You Hate Him

Before you kids get too cocky about how much the Baby Boomers suck, take a good hard look at Jack Johnson, because he’s our Jimmy Buffet. The guy is so damn chill he won’t even wear shoes.  He comes from Hawaii, a place only fictional characters like Magnum P.I. or Dog the Bounty Hunter come from. Not quite rocking, not quite funk, Jack’s music aspires to nothing more than background, like audio wallpaper. The kind of music that insidiously slips it’s blandness into your subconsciousness while you’re dining at Red Lobster. Like Mad Cow Disease, it gestates in your brain over decades until one day in your middle age you have an unstoppably psychotic need for Tommy Bahama wear.  “I NEED SILK PALM TREES AND HULA GIRLS ON MY BODY NOW!” you’ll unexpectedly scream in the middle of the mall, your teeth bared, mouth foaming and eyes wild. “THAT WAY EVERYONE WILL KNOW ABOUT MY ‘NO WORRIES’ ATTITUDE!!!” you’ll cry, right before sinking your teeth into a puppy.

How He Will Get You Laid

Sensitivity by association. A woman hears you cranking Jack Johnson in your hybrid and assumes you are a gentle and conscientious lover instead of  the twice convicted sex offender you are.

Maroon 5

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Why You Hate Them

There is something about the music of Maroon 5 that makes you want to punch your penis. Repeatedly. It’s a sensation you can’t really describe, but you suddenly just hate your penis so much you can’t stop punching it, which strangely enough makes your voice approximate the tenor of Maroon 5 front man Adam Levine. But you can’t argue with Maroon 5’s success. After Ellen DeGeneres, Adam Levine is the most successful lesbian in showbiz.

How They Will Get You Laid

Maroon 5 is the ultimate suburb rock; suburban girls draw to it like America Eagle moths to Jamba Juice flames. You see, the typical “suburban girl” may have all the same parts as a regular girl, but she’s far more skittish than a regular lass. Safety is this girl’s ultimate aphrodisiac. She wants some soulful rock that’s not as hard as Nickleback and not as ethnic as Stevie Wonder. Something you can crank in your PT Cruiser convertible after a meal of BONELESS SWEET CHILE GLAZED WINGS™ at the TGIFriday’s in the Galleria. Back in the Cruiser, you two park outside the Target and talk. She opens up her deepest secrets– like this one time she came in contact with a homeless person and how even thinking about it now still really scares her. She’ll fall asleep as Songs About Jane makes its 127th spin on the car player. You won’t have sex but back at school on Monday you’ll tell everyone she totally gave you a BJ and when she gives up denying it she’ll tell everyone you tasted like Axe body spray.

Justin Timberlake

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Why You Hate Him

Remember when Michael Jackson was in every teenager’s bedroom. Stop; let me try that one again: do you remember when Michael Jackson was in every teenage girl’s bedroom…in poster form. Ever since Billy Jean, a jaunty tune about child abandonment, a generation of Swatch-wearing, Blossom-dressing, converse wearing girls wanted to toss away their chastity like losing scratch tickets.

Then Michael Jackson became well, Michael Jackson and the world’s female population thought they’d never love another white, thin-boned, falsetto singing, non-threatening dancer again.

Then came Justin Timberlake.

You can’t hate on JT too much. After all, he had the good sense to suck all of the talent out of Britany Spears and discard her on the side of the road, leaving Kevin Federline in his Geo Metro convertible to find her deflated, lifeless carcass and declare, “I’d like to put my penis in that!” A pro for JT: his music definitely gets your girl hot and bothered. The downside: he’s probably having sex with her right now.

How He Will Get You Laid

Justin Timberlake can’t stay and do your girlfriend forever. Eventually that tour has got to move on to Buffalo, and when it does your girlfriend will be totally crushed. JT’s absence will leave a great sucking hole in her heart, a hole you can fill with delusional pity sex. Ah yes, sweet pity sex.

Van Morrison

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Why You Hate Him

The first time you heard Van Morrison’s “Moondance” coming over the car radio your dad said, “your mom and I used to be into this song,” which was dad’s way of saying, “I used to get into your mom while we listened to this song. Bottom line: I fucked your mother.” Now you can’t listen to “Brown Eyed Girl” without imagining your pasty parents smashing their doughy bodies against one another while conceiving your brother, whom you also hate.  Also, he used to be a Scientologist.

How He Will Get Laid

Van Morrison songs, or audio ruffies as they are also known, have long been a sure fire way to cajole young women into salty, awkward sex.  Every teenage boy once owned a Van Morrison Greatest Hits CD placed strategically within his domicile so when his chaste girlfriend came over to “study” old Van was spinning in no time. Like magic, Mr. Morrison’s spongy Irish-soul would have Missy NoSex clawing the guy’s back in procreative fervor. “Oh my God,” she’d scream right before biting into his bare shoulder, “this is the kind of inoffensive soft rock everyone at the office can agree on. I need you inside me NOW!”  Van Morrison acquires so much tail for young men in the English speaking world, if you never pitched woo to a girl over the strains of “Moondance” you’re a gay Eskimo. Morrison creates the kind of sweet memories of high school and college sexual conquests you’ll pine for once you’re married and your wife has refused you sex for leaving a wet towel on the bathroom floor.  Still that Scientology thing blows. Once you know the best erotic experiences of your life were powered by L. Ron Hubbard, it kinda sucks the joy out of it.

Read more from Cole Gamble at his site, Fun With Cole.