5 Alternate Balloon Boy Hoaxes

By now, you’re probably sick of everyone’s coverage of the balloon boy incident and inexplicably wet thanks to our coverage because we don’t puss out like so many other media outlets.  And in the spirit of that, we’re cracking this bitch wide open.  Like wide, baby.  Hookers by the wharf on the east coast wide, you dig?

You may have read that the incident with Falcon Heene was actually a hoax, a publicity stunt created by his batshit insane father to gain some media attention for his myriad of “I’m an insane douche, give me attention” schemes that have something to do with aliens and shit like that.  Straight up, Richard Heene, the father, is a fucking lunatic and an ass hat.  But what you may not know about is the other schemes he came up with before deciding that pretending his son was trapped in a shitty balloon was the way to go.  Lucky for you, FunnyCrave’s team of investigative journalists were all up on that bitch.

Hoax plot #1 – Fashion a giant cock out of latex rubber, an old Commodore 64 and coat gangers, put an animatronic face on the end and plant it in the yard.  Tell the public it fell from space and you have no idea what it is or where it came from.  Once media arrives, have the animatronic face speak and tell people that So You Think You Can Dance is awesome and that the Venus Penis army is on its way if mankind doesn’t give the Heene family a shot on  Hell’s Kitchen.

Hoax Plot # 2 – Dig a giant hole in the yard and fill it with a sentient gelatin dessert (to be purchased at Wal Mart if they have them.  If not it can be made by masturbating into Jell-O and waiting for life to begin).  Alert authorities to presence of sentient Jell-O and then have youngest child wear Jell-O hat and pretend sentient Jell-O has taken control of his body and is speaking through him.  Sentient Jell-O will demand Heene family get to co-host the View.

Hoax Plot # 3 – Hire Mike Tyson to move into the house and fuck Mrs. Heene.  Act surprised.  Alert authorities to the presence of facially tattooed madman living in home and acting as new father to family.  Once media arrives, agree that Tyson has had a rough shake these last few years and propose a series of challenges to determine who will be dad of the family on a new show called Heene and the Weenie, the Weenie being whoever loses.

Hoax Plot # 4 – Expose child (any one will do) to gamma radiation from TV or wherever gamma rays come from.  Provoke anger until child becomes the Hulk, then set loose into community.  Alert media that child has become the Hulk.  Wait for fame.

Hoax Plot # 5 – Find a way to turn day into night, up into down and make nothing as it seems, all on a secluded island.  Having talking alligator security guards and a purple ape that only speaks in riddles.  Send the children there.  Alert media that children have vanished to secluded island known locally as “Super Mystery Island” and travel there with investigators to film what happens in the proposed Show Heene and the Super Mystery Island Adventure where each week you try to get the kids back from the clutches of super smart lemurs that fly in rockets and a tree that’s sexually attracted to men with beards.