40,000 Ecstasy Pills is Too Many (Medically Speaking)

The most hardcore partier in the world hails from the UK and is completely insane.  Kind of literally, in fact.  Having broken the previously recorded record of ecstasy use (being 2000 pills) this unnamed dude took 40,000 over a period of 9 years, up to 25 pills a day during his final four years of use, which is kind of like bashing your face into a wall repeatedly for years just to see what happens.  So uh, what does happen?

Turns out, when you take enough ecstasy to make Jesus vomit himself into a coma, you completely ruin your entire brain and body.  The man now has no short term memory and that includes the ability to remember he has no short term memory, meaning he’s fucked but he can never remember why.  He suffers from paranoia and hallucinations and the muscles in his face and neck tense up to the point where he’s unable to open his mouth.  That, combined with the memory thing, has to be officially terrifying.

Turns out studies on ecstasy use are pretty limited since the only way it can be studied is by observing recreational users, because the government frowns on psychologists having grant-funded raves.  And recreational users are not the most reliable people in the world when it comes to scientific studies as they tend to try to fuck doorknobs, scream frequently, and often disappear for weeks at a time.

And it’s not just ecstasy that can fuck a person up this badly, take a look at what happened to these other chronic users (pot joke, ha!) of narcotics that we found during our research, which is to say the rest of this article is totally made up.  Take that, Walter Cronkite!

Paul S:  Smokes 60 joints per day

Result: Actually understands the appeal of the Learning Channel

Dave R:  Does enough coke to kill a rhino

Result: Finds Sarah Jessica Parker attractive, thinks Lindsay Lohan has a lot of interesting stuff to say.

Samantha K: Consumes her body weight in crack per month

Result: Is willing to sleep with everyone who works at FunnyCrave.com

Gary H:  Spends over $200,000 a year on heroin

Result: Also willing to sleep with everyone who works at FunnyCrave.com

Francis L: Drinks a bottle of absinthe per day

Result: Likes the movie Twilight