4 Ways to Deal with Elderly Relatives

So you’re saddled with an elder, what a pain in the ass.  As Stephen Hawking determined back in 1987, using science, old people are useless.  Once you hit 58 you better go to Florida where nothing important has, does or will ever happen.  Or else.  But some old people are stubborn, likely due to dementia or polio, and instead of leaving the way Tolkien made elves do once they had outlived their usefulness, they tend to stay around like withered, nagging carbuncles that smell of moth balls and ennui.

If you find yourself in the unenviable position of being forced to care for a retiree (that being someone who decided work was hard so they just gave up in the hopes nature’s wrath wouldn’t smite them on the spot for their decrepitude) here are some tips on how to handle the situation.  Don’t worry about the elderly reading over your shoulder, years of exposure to radon, asbestos and ben gay has left their eyes as withered and decayed as their genitalia.

Ship ‘em Off – The easiest and most efficient way to deal with old folks is to simply dispose of them the same way you’d dispose of any medical waste – toss it.  However, check with local laws first as some communities frown on elders being left in gutters as they can cause a flooding hazard.  If that’s the case, you may want to research homes for the elderly.

My new home smells like death!

Retirement communities, or Granny Dumpsters, exist all over the world and it’s totally cool for you to just abandon old people there.  They expect it!

Of course there’s a catch, and that is they want you to pay to leave your old people there.  But savvy shoppers will be able to discern which homes are crooked by how little they charge, and leave their elderly there.

Run the Gauntlet – This is no easy task and requires dedication, but the rewards are invaluable.  Basically, if you’re committed to spending a lot of time fucking with an old person, you want to do this.  Start with something small, like maybe replacing their favorite shirt with the exact same shirt, only a different color.  Then rearrange the furniture in one room in the house so that it’s a precise mirror opposite.  Make sure you smooth out those dents in the carpet so they can’t tell you’re being a dink.

Old men love boobs. Use this as a weapon.

Up the ante as time goes on, constantly feign gnorance about what’s going on.  Fill their sock drawer with produce.  Shave their head in their sleep one night.  Invite a stranger to live with you and make like it’s always been that way.

In time, you can escalate to the point where you should be able to completely move everything they own into a different room and change their ID to someone else’s name culminating in the day you have to call authorities to have them committed.  At this point you have one of two options, either they’re already crazy and you have no problem, or change everything back and just act like they’re crazy.  It’s win-win.

GILF Porn – If you’re going to have an old person living with you, they may as well prove themselves worthwhile.  This is naturally difficult because old people are not worthwhile, unless you place a lot of value on first hand accounts of the civil war and rug hooking.

Lucky for you, human depravity and about $50 worth of computer peripherals are all you need to turn grandma into a cash cow, providing you’re comfortable with broaching the somewhat awkward subject of her becoming a pornographic actress.

Susan Sarandon is 64. Think about it.

The fact is niche porn like old ladies is big business.  Why?  Because people are sick, that’s why.  But that sickness can line your wallet with fat cash once you set up MildredsMuff.com.  The alternative for grandma is, of course, a home, so maybe persuading her won’t be as hard as you think.  Plus, you never know, maybe your grandma was a skank back in the day.  Few people stop to appreciate how many elders must necessarily be skanks, it’s not like skankiness is a new thing.  VD has been around forever.

Shop at Home Empire – Similar to GILF porn, if you have to be saddled with having Depends in your home, you may as well make a buck off of it.  And while old people are useless to you, you must never forget who old people are not useless to – other old people.  To this end, you must only look at infomercials to gain inspiration.  Jack Lalanne is literally so old he’s dead.  And yet he sells about a million juicers a year to other ghouls who want to stave off the cold hand of the reaper through carrot juice.

Once you turn 55, you'll do anything this man says

Old people can sell any shit to other old people – insurance, diabeetus medication, Clappers, it’s quite a racket.  So really, all you need to do is put some cheap shit in your old person’s talons and get them in front of a camera, then every other old person with a mountain of cash in the bank will be scrambling to the rotary phone to pay you for it.